Self Sabotage

A recent a-ha moment.

A week ago, I opened up a few dating apps again. Now that I have Carlos the Car, dating is easier and safer than before and I am ready to have a hot girl summer with some hot dates!

Since being dumped in March, and then my subsequent jump into the hookup life, I have had a few moments of clarity based on my dating life and now I have a firm understanding that I have been self-sabotaging my own relationships.

For anyone new here, I was raised in a Christian home. This means that dating and life have some rules that you are supposed to follow. I’m expected to not have sex until I am married and I am expected to only date Christian men and marry one.

I, however, do not really think that way. I tried to force myself to feel that way, but I just couldn’t force myself to wrap my head around those ideals. I am not so much a strict Christian that I can’t see the value in other faiths as romantic partners as long as there is respect there. When I first started dating, I was open to non-Christians. But then my brother made a comment about something like if my chosen partner wasn’t a Christian, he would always want different for me, or not support it or something (this was like 5 years ago haha) and that really hit hard. We used to be so close before he started dating his current choice of wife.

And then I started to think about how my family would react. Or what I really wanted. I am a very sexual person and the expectation to wait until marriage was a massive source of guilt and shame in my own life. Even though I hadn’t ever crossed that line with any guy I was dating. I didn’t have sex for the first time until this past March.

However, in the midst of all of this going on in my head, I was basically hiding half of myself from either my family or the people I was dating. I started exploring my own sexuality in my very early teens, but the church is basically a vault on sexuality. Which is so stupid. Because without proper information, kids are going to get into trouble. My own “best friend” got an STI around 18/19 because she decided she needed to rebel against her strict parents and embrace all the male attention she was getting because she finally developed (very late). So she obviously wasn’t being safe and things happen and she had to get her parents to take her to the clinic to get medication.

But also, I think something that not a lot of people consider is female pleasure in a relationship. Take for example my hookup. We have only had sex twice, and both times he was super happy about it, but for me, it was not great. Not because it was new or awkward, but because he’s not a good fit for me physically, and yes there is a point to say it’s how you use it but sometimes the size is a factor (especially when I mostly date black men and then size can be a VERY real and painful issue…not with the hookup but ya know).

Anyway, so this led me to some thinking: how many women waited until they were married and then had to deal with an unsatisfactory or painful sex life? That is definitely something that I don’t want to have.

So anyway, my entire dating life (the last 5 years because I didn’t start dating until I was 30) was this bipolar person. One who was focused on picking someone that my family would approve of and support, and then one where I wanted to also date someone I was attracted to and had the same thinking on specifical issues of values and things. That person does not exist. If I pick someone my family approves of, I’d hate them because they would be so closed-minded. If I pick someone I would be interested in, they’d want a sexual relationship because they don’t place value on the “no sex before marriage” rule.

When I first started dating, I was looking for me. I was ok with other faiths and different styles of relationships, and was even ok with the thought of never actually getting married but living a common law life with my chosen person. Then I quickly shifted based on the pressure (both real and imaginary) of how I was raised. But now I am back. Especially since I have absolutely NOTHING good to say or think about my brother’s choice of wife and I am just counting down the days until their impending divorce. They have been married for 2 months now. I give them another 16 tops. My brother has turned into the worst version of himself with her and I hope he has the ability to see that soon and end things. So since I know that family doesn’t always have to approve now, I feel I am free to choose with more of my own heart than worrying about them.

Over Easter, I also let it slip while I was home that I was on birth control. Because I am used to having open conversations with adults, I just had one with my mom forgetting that she was my mom and now she knows I’m on it and having sex. Granted I had only had sex once at that time but when she was “are you doing things that you’d need to prevent yourself from having babies?” I just rolled my eyes and said “I’m an attractive 35 year old, don’t be ridiculous” and carried on with my conversation. After that exchange, I also have found it much easier to be myself. The look on her face was not an approving one at all though. But I’m not a 1950’s housewife. If I never get married, that’s ok with me. I pay my own bills and have my own life and I’m ok with that.

This is a very long winded way of saying that I think I’m in a much better place now in my own mind and with my own desires and realities. And I’m excited to start dating again, and with this new freedom which I have allowed myself to be who I actually am, I think I will be able to find more happiness on the dating scene than I have had before. I wish it could be with the guy from my work but I really don’t think that is going to happen.

I had a very short notice meet up with someone today. Like I was out already and he’s like “you’re close by can I join you?” it was awkward but okish? I have another potential first meet with someone else later this afternoon if he ever gets back to me. Right now I am using 3 free apps (actually just got a like as I’m writing this). The most popular ones for dating in my area and for people my age I think. I’ve been on for a week and will give it another week and I might actually try a paid subscription one for 3 months. It’s going to be about $100 I think which sucks but I also think that maybe on the paid sites the men are of better quality instead of just looking for hook ups. But the week does also give me just a little more time to be flirty and bold with the guy at work and see where that goes LOL

Be on the lookout for possible dating posts in the near future!

13 thoughts on “Self Sabotage

  1. Pingback: I have documents, therefore I am: May 22 – A Silly Place

  2. I’m also proud of you!! The enlightened version of you is so freakin’ HOT!!

    I too was raised to believe that sex before marriage was one of the biggest sins for a woman and that abstinence before marriage was the only ‘choice’. And then my virginity was stolen from me and because of my beliefs, I blamed myself. This was one of the biggest reasons I no longer identify as Christian. I don’t want to be associated with a system of belief that makes women feel that way ever.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw thanks for the support babes!!

      Honestly, I totally get where you are coming from. I also feel like my brother isn’t talking to me now partly because I openly said I got a pregnancy test at the clinic when I went for my eye and now there is just this unsaid judgement coming from a silent phone LOL But that’s me putting my own spin on him just being a non-texter because he’s married now so he doesn’t have to reply to anyone anymore. Again, those are my feelings lol not necessarily anyone else’s LOL

      I still consider myself a Christian, I read my Bible every day at breakfast (sometimes I don’t really read it my eye balls are just going over the words haha) and I pray and I trust in God but I find that I can’t support the church anymore. I’ve stopped attending and just this most recent pay cheque I have also stopped tithing as well. So my faith structure is there, I just don’t support the modern church anymore. I feel like a person torn in two sometimes, but getting to live my authentic self these last few months has helped a lot with that and I hope to keep that up πŸ™‚ sorry for the massive reply haha

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Well done! When we marry someone (or live with someone as a couple) we don’t marry their family nor do our family marry them!
    We need to look for our happiness!
    Of course that it’s way better if our family is happy too, specially if we are close to them, but if we are happy they should end up accepting it. After all, isn’t our loved ones happiness more important than conventions?
    I know, easy said than done 😝


    • Haha exactly! My brother recently got married (in March) and I hate his choice in partner. All I see are red flags and gaslighting and control from her. And the linger they are together, the more I see. So I don’t think I will ever accept their marriage. But who knows. Maybe she will shock me at some point πŸ˜…πŸ˜…


  4. By do way you described it seems like he’s not happy and is unloading his frustration or whatever bad feeling he has in other people.
    But I’ve heard a saying that totally fits: only those living in the convent know what is happening there. So, you knows? They may surprise you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have had my own thoughts on his feelings as well. But mostly I just think she brings out the worst in him. And while on paper she is a good match for him in morals and values, I think she’s just an all around horrible person. But you’re right, they may surprise me.


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