Here is the story…
Okies so here’s his story: He’s 37, birthday is in August, he was born and raised in Uganda, across from a river full of hippos. He has 3 sisters and a brother. And he’s the 4th out of 5. He is named after his dad’s favourite singer. His dad died when he was 6 or 8 years old. His mom was a social worker, all his sisters are in “caring” professions as well. I forget what his brother does. He’s a soccer player and went to university on a scholarship as the school’s goalie.
Anyway, we talked for a few weeks on Hinge/whatsapp before we met in person. At first it was the same as all the other guys – “I’m a Christian, I don’t have sex outside of marriage”. And of course, like most men his age, he’s all “I totally respect that but I wouldn’t be happy”. Which is EXACTLY why I bring it up. So we decided to just be friends. We had a good vibe going and the conversation was easy and flowing great. The idea of being just like “cuddle and watch movies” buddies was discussed until either of us found someone we were interested in dating. Something I had never even considered before, and now sure why it was ok with him, but there it was. But since I knew that it wasn’t going to be a potential relationship, I think I was more open and honest about things because there was nothing to lose, ya know?
Then we met in person. He picked me up from work, which I generally don’t do with guys. Again, just something about him. We went for a walk at a nearby park, and sat and chatted, and by the end of an hour, I’ve got to say that I was hooked. Like deeply so. He was so attractive and funny and just a genuine soul, ya know? There was no pressure for anything, he’s just very laid back and easy.
That was on a Thursday. The next day I asked what his plans were for the weekend, and he had to work 11pm-7am at the shelter he works at, so I asked if he wanted to do something during the day. His response was “really? Yes! Yes!” So we planned to watch some soccer at his place. The only thing was that he had to sleep and also drive me home. If you remember from my update two weeks ago, he lives in a place where I can’t take an uber home. So he picked me up from my house, and then drove us to his place, we watched soccer, he made us lunch, he prayed over the lunch before we ate without any prompting from me, and honestly it was just even more bonus points for him.
After lunch he even indulged me in watching hockey! Since the season hadn’t started yet, I chose a 1972 game on youtube. Why? Because it had my favourite goalie playing in net, and we had talked about how the Russians are just so much better at playing than Western players, but Western players are more entertaining so I wanted to show him.
And then, something happened that I’ve never done before: we had a difficult conversation in person. Usually I reserve those for texting when I don’t have to be in front of the person. But with him, I just always feel so safe and comfortable. I really think it goes back to that honesty before we met in person. I told him I didn’t want to just be friends and I wanted to date. He said he felt the same but that I was still no sex before marriage.
Now, let me clarify this because it is a little confusing. I am very much a waiting person. I don’t want to jump into physical things right away, but also I have a pretty decent sexual drive as well. I’m not the nun that most people think me to be, but usually it involves online people and toys and not in real life people. Basically I am waiting for someone who makes me feel safe and comfortable enough to take those steps and not pushing me to take them. While also working through 34 years of indoctrination. I started dating really late in life, my first boyfriend was when I was 30, so it really has only been a few years of dating for me finding out what makes me happy and the type of man I want to be with. But most of the guys I date has been dating for years and know what they want and are looking for sexual relationships right away.
So we talked about that. And he said what do I need him to do? And I said give me some time, and he asked how much and I said I’m not sure.
Since he had to work that night, we took a nap, and had some very enjoyable snuggles and even more enjoyable kisses, and then he had to drive me home so he could finish getting ready for work, and he even grabbed another nap haha.
He had a full week of work that week and then I invited him over Friday night. He had to work until 11 but I said he could sleep over. He said he didn’t trust himself to do that but he’d come for a little bit. We had talked earlier in the week that I was ok with things moving forward but couldn’t really tell him when I’d be ok with sex but to be ready with protection cos I knew if things kept going how they were, then I was really settling into a place of comfort and knowing myself I would be ok with it quickly. We talked again about boundaries, he was asking very pointed questions of “is this ok” and “would you do this” and we set some solid boundaries and when he came over, we spent the whole time in shenanigan’s but nothing more than I was comfortable with. He even asked in the middle if I wanted to go further, did he need to go get his bag cos he had protection in it (see how he listened?) and gave me time to think and respond with a “no not just yet” and he was fine with it. I’ve had other people who weren’t even CLOSE to that level and they would be “oh come on just…” and whatever it is they wanted to do. Which meant that we were firmly done. I may give people too many chances for other reasons, but not respecting boundaries is not one of those grace reasons. He left happy and said he’d let me know when he got home (since it was very late) and we’d plan another time to see each other.
That’s when I mentioned him last on my blog.
And then he disappeared for two whole days.
He would read my messages on whatsapp just not reply. And when he finally did he said it was because HE felt guilty over the after work shenanigan’s. And how he felt he was making me leave my own values behind. Which he most certainly is not. So we talked more about that and it’s been really great to have those conversations. He also said to not get offended if he doesn’t respond, he’s just a quiet guy and that he needs quiet time to process things. Which is totally understandable. And now I know. It’s happened a few times after that and I just have to keep reminding myself that he’s just taking some time. He has a really stressful job with nightly over doses, some are mild, some are really bad, and he has to deal with all of that.
The thing is, we are pretty great together when we are in person. He’s decent at texting which is awesome too. We are able to have the hard discussions in person, which I’ve never done before, and it’s done with honesty and openness. But with his job, he works opposite hours from me. So if I work until 4pm, he works 3-11. And he was picking up extra shifts at work as well. By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, we hadn’t seen each other in over two weeks and I was starting to get uneasy about it and also upset because I want to see the person I’m waiting around for. Even if it’s just once a week.
The Monday of Thanksgiving, I woke up and I had basically made up my mind – I couldn’t do this anymore. And then I went onto whatsapp to send out some Happy Thanksgiving messages to people. There was a status update on the app and I normally don’t check those. But I clicked it. And it was from him. And while I thought he was at work the day before from 3-11, because he said he was, it was him in the passenger’s seat of a car, driving along a country road with lots of beautiful trees all in their autumn colours, and then in the background “wow beautiful, beautiful” in a woman’s voice. And that was that. I sent a very angry message and was totally done. He read the message at 11:30 am and by 5 he still hadn’t replied so I blocked him. And now I am questioning our entire two months and how much of it was he actually with other people and how much was he actually working…like we never specifically said we were exclusive, but he knew EXACTLY how I felt and how I wanted to build a relationship with him and that I was putting all my focus on him and not wanting anyone else. I shouldn’t have to explicitly tell a 37 year old that if we’re messing around, I’m expecting my bed to be the only one he’s spending time in.
So yeah….I’m not going to say I regret taking my own boundaries as far as I did with him, but I kinda do regret the WITH HIM part. And also glad we didn’t go any further. And I can’t say that the next guy will have the same privileges because it was all based on the comfort and safety I felt so early on and the early respect he was showing.
So he follows the same pattern as the others: he’s great until I feel comfortable mentioning him to people, about a month or so in, and then it all falls apart. Cab’t really say that I’m all that shocked but I did feel totally different about him…
Come back tomorrow for my regular Sunday Scribblings post!