Into a world of pure imagination
So I know I normally do a whole bunch of books together when I give my ratings for them, but I just HAD to do this now.
Book #26 for this month was American Gods. Thank you Aaron for suggesting it. I didn’t completely hate it, but I didn’t also LOVE it. It was interesting enough that I was able to finish it but it took almost two weeks. When I say down to read it, I’d get through like 20 pages in an hour and it was sometimes a struggle. But ya know, what, I did it! And I’m not angry that I read it. So all in all, a solid 3.75 stars!
Now the next book I read,#27, was just WOW. Just so much WOW. It is “Beauty Queens” by Libby Bray and I have no idea who suggested it to me but oh my gosh thank you so much! My rating is 3 stars out of five. Now some of you may be wondering why so low if I seemed to enjoy it so much, and I am going to tell you. Like a lot.
So quick understanding of this book: All 52 of the Miss Teen Dream beauty pageant are on their way for a photoshoot when their plane goes down and crashes into an island. Only 12 or 13 girls survive the plane crash. All their chaperones and camera crew members are dead. And that’s how we start the book.
BASICALLY it’s like Miss Congeniality, and LOST, and Lord of the Flies all rolled into one. Like just wow.
Reading any further than this sentence will result in an abundance of spoilers so if you don’t want to know, stop reading.
OKIE DOKIE THEN!
So this book was RIDICULOUS to say the least. Like it was a horrible horrible book. BUT it was so horrible that I loved it.
Beauty Queens planed crashed? They were using scraps from the plane to sun tan. SOMEHOW using hair straighteners to fish?! And somehow, with what seems to be only one machete and a pumice stone, they built NINE huts along their beach to live in. All in under 3 weeks.
I THINK this book was supposed to be empowering to teen girls. Making them think that they can do whatever and bleh but like it was just a huge hot mess and I was living for every single cringe worthy thing that happened lol.
So basically there are 12 or 13 girls left alive, and I honestly can be wrong because we only get to really know these girls:
- over the top totally into the pageant girl who takes control and her dad was in the military and now she is giving off that vibe like Aubrey from Pitch Perfect.
- the main girl who is against the pageant and only joined to ruin it from within but don’t worry, it’s all ok because she wants to be a serious journalist one day
- an Indian girl who gets called Bollywood even after she tells the others not to, who wants to be a DJ and is a total valley girl, like, oh my gosh, whatever, ok?!
- an African American girl who is pitted against Bollywood and who Bollywood calls Beyonce.
- The lesbian who is into comic books and only there to get out of juvie.
- the deaf girl who is confused and macks on the lesbian but then takes it back saying she is confused
- the former boy band super star who is now transitioning into a woman
- the purity ring wearing one who accepts her sexual side once she loses her purity ring
- the dumb blonde
- the other dumb blonde who is always confused with the other dumb one
Then there are a few more, who are only called by their state names “Miss Ohio” for example. These three, in the last 50 pages of the book, we discover are all called Caitlin Ashley. They tried to have moment of empowerment with “don’t you think it’s time we go by our first names?” and then “what about middle names?”. But don’t worry!!!!! One is actually Caitlin Ashlee so she’s 100% unique.
OOOOOO and there’s one more girl. Miss New Mexico. In the plane crash, a table tray gets LODGED IN HER HEAD. And with no medical help, she survives and never gets an infection and in the final chapters, when the girls are fighting for their lives, trying not to get shot or exploded by shaving cream, she uses said tray stuck in her head to headbutt one of the black shirts (aka bad guys) and knocks him unconscious! YEAH GUYS!
Oh my gosh you guys it gets worse!
So the people who run the pageant are also on the island and not helping the girls cos they want to kill them all so the former winner can become president but she is having an affair with the evil dictator of a country to get his money and then wants to pin the murder of these girls on him so she can be justified in killing him so she can take over his country and natural resources.
The girls have no idea that they are being watched. By grown men. Watching teenage girls. After a plane crash.
Then the girls find some pirates. Who are ACTUALLY just a group of 18-20 year olds who are part of a different reality show put on by the same corporation. The girls all pair up with a guy, and shenanigans happen.
Some more groan worthy things that happen:
- this line “It’s no secret the worlds as messed up now as a hockey game plated on non-Zambonied ice right now”
- Footnotes! ALL THE FOOTNOTES! Yes we get it, you invented a fake type of jeans. You do not need to put a footnote explaining said jeans! Or person, or company, or movie, or beauty product!!
- they capture a guy, tie him to a rock, and then slap a maxi pad over his mouth to keep him quiet. He’s told something along the lines of “now aren’t you glad that the corporation designed these with wings?”
- dumb girl wants gummy bears and instead of just accepting that they are all being used as pawns, she just WANTS her gummy bears!
- evil dictator loves Elvis and dances to his death from a microchip in his watch connected to his BLUE SUEDE SHOES, which are controlled by evil pageant queen
- evil dictator has a stuffed animal which he calls general good times. General Good Times gets shot and dies.
- Commercial breaks which are scripts for horrible commercials that made me want to die. I legit started skipping those pages
- over the top girl gives rewards of lip gloss and bronzer to the girls when they do good things, she eventually snaps and is left on the island after the rest escape when the fake pirates come back to help them win over the black shirts. But it’s her choice to stay! She is now one with the island.
- preparing to storm into the jungle the girls arm themselves with rocks, sticks, and tanner for the long journey
- snakes are SO big that in one snap of their jaws they can swallow a human whole, buuuuutttt one of the teen girls was totally able to climb back out of one, but a grown man with guns and military training could not.
At the end there is a chapter that is like the last chapter of the last Harry Potter book. It tells you where they all ended up. And of course, there is a surgeon general, Bollywood is now a DJ and the CEO of her own pharmaceutical company, some ended up married to their fake pirate island boyfriend, the main girl is a journalist. It’s all very tied up in a nice unrealistic bow.
So now my rating. HONESTLY, I give this book 1 star. The story was just SOOOO far fetched. BUT the horribleness of it all was just so hilarious and mock worthy that, not only does it get bumped up to 3 stars, but I also wrote a review in goodreads for it. WOW. Just wow….I could not put it down!
Because American Gods took so long to read, I had to renew all the other books I have. I can’t do 3 books in one week when I have a lot going on. So my next post will be for those three books when I get them finished. Don’t expect such a long post again. This was just a special post for a special special book LOL