So here we go again.
Alright, so since September I have been trying out the online dating again. In a pandemic, what else can be done?
So I started with one app, then added another and after like 6 weeks of them I got annoyed and deleted them both and downloaded something new.
Now I’ve had this app before and I used to like it but then they went and changed how it worked and it was lame. But it’s been over a year since I’ve been on it and now it’s better again!
So I met this guy on it – E. He’s 36 and Jamaican. Raised Christian. Ready for a serious relationship and marriage. Ok with waiting for a sexual relationship. Tall and dark, funny, and sweet. Wants kids.
I told a friend of mine that it was so weird to have a guy be so forward with what he wants and intentional and stuff and she’s like “yeah, it’s cos he’s a man not a boy.” But she is also Jamaican and said to test him because white women are seen as the holy grail of relationships and as a meal ticket basically. Well honey, you know my job I’m no one’s meal ticket!
So I took her advice to mind but still just enjoyed him.
We all know I hate talking on the phone, and that first phone call with someone is tres awkward and cringe worthy!! Our first call was literally 30 seconds and it was a mistake – both at work and he hit the wrong button and accidentally called me. But our first REAL call lasted about an hour and a half.
First video call, almost 2 hours. That was almost two weeks ago. Since then, we talk almost every night on video call for at least an hour and a half. We talk so much that its added to the strain on my voice and throat and I am not speaking at all this weekend because my throat hurts so much.
He is so genuine. Or so he seems. Monday will be three weeks since we matched online. We have both deleted our dating app profiles (well mine is disconnected, not fully deleted but it’s the same thing).
I am always weary of people I meet on dating apps, and especially ones who aren’t Canadian citizens. Like I have nothing against that, it’s just I’m not your green card wife.
So whenever something comes up, I am always like “AHHHH RED FLAG” and before I even finish thinking it, he talks himself out of it.
Like the insurance on his vehicle ended and he had to return it. RED FLAGG!!!!! He’s gonna ask for money or for me to get him insurance. But then said his friend was going with him and driving him back and would be taking him to and from work and that he had already gotten in touch with his buddy in Jamaica to send the needed notarized documents so that he can get a full license here which means he can get insurance by himself. Didn’t even ask me to help in any way. Just wanted to let me know where he was gonna be that day cos he would be away from his phone.
OR his visa is up in December. RED FLAGGGGGG He legit asked me to marry him after we had been talking for 2 days. He said (like two weeks later) he has enough experience to know what he wants and needs and that he has found something special and amazing in me and that he already loves me. That’s all good but like dude slow down. He said that to get married is the easiest way to fix the visa problem, RED FLAG but that he has other things going to make it legal without marrying someone or that he will just stay. So I get all anxious over him being a scammer and he’s legit just informing me of what is going on in his life.
OR because he’s just here on a tourist visa he’s working in construction (or illegal labour as my brother says) – that’s a red flag!! But he works hard every single day and makes times for me and says he always pays his way no matter what.
He is open and transparent and so far very consistent. We have met in person now and we have a good connection and I could TOTALLY see myself falling in love down the road, but just not right now. He also says the right thing all the time.
So after talking for almost two weeks I learn that his visa is up on December 15th. Like I knew it was finished in December, but having that actual date makes a difference ya know?
I found out just a few days before we met and I guess it kind of tainted our meeting, but I can honestly say that I still feel like he is completely genuine.
And I have thought about all the possible outcomes:
- He gets his visa extended and everything is fine and we continue to get to know each other better and build a great relationship
- He doesn’t get his visa extended and he stays anyway (like he says he will) and we continue to get to know each other and build a great relationship.
- He doesn’t get his visa extended and has to go back to Jamaica and we continue to get to know each other and build a great relationship
- He doesn’t get his visa extended and has to go back to Jamaica and we end things.
- If we had met when he moved here and had time to build a relationship and then his visa ends and we get married because we are in a good solid place to actually get married
At least I thought I had thought of all the outcomes. We were video chatting on Thursday and he asked me what would happen with us if he “had a friend help him out” and marry him so he could stay. I didn’t even hesitate, I said we’d be over. I don’t date married men. Even if it’s a fake marriage. And I’m not going to sit around and wait for him while he has to stay married for so long to appease whatever powers may be.
Then he asked how I felt if it was a like a business arrangement, where we get married and then continue to get to know each other on a deeper level before anything physical or sexual happens.
And now I’m taking a break from us. We talked a bit more that night but we didn’t talk at all on Thursday except for me to tell him that I needed some space to think about things. I had rented a car on Friday for the day and was going to go see him but cancelled the booking and told him I wasn’t going to come. He says he understands and to do what I need to do. But even writing this (on Friday night) I miss him so much. And I want to talk to him and tell him about my day. But I haven’t figured anything out yet in my mind yet so I don’t want to even reach out. I don’t even know what I’m trying to figure out! I might just text tonight because it’s been so long and I honestly just want to talk to him.
He says he loves me. He says he can tell I love him too and that I’m just waiting to say it back. Who knows. I don’t know? I can see myself building something real with him in the future. But I can’t, and won’t, marry him before the 15th. I value the sanctity of marriage too much. And what that means as a Christian. And he gets that. But I also know he’s probably starting to get desperate. And with that, marriage would give him the possibility to find better work and build a better life.
It feels kind of mean that I finally find an actual grown man and this is the circumstance around it. But of course I could be reading this situation all wrong and he’s just a scammer trying to scam. I’m not leaving it all up to my own knowledge though, I constantly pray about it and seek the advice of others. The one person I would usually talk to about this I don’t talk to anymore, and the vice I usually used to deal with these emotions I don’t indulge in anymore. There have been lots of sweet snacks lately instead LOL
If you have any insights, I’d love to hear them.