The Newest Guy

So here we go again.

Alright, so since September I have been trying out the online dating again. In a pandemic, what else can be done?

So I started with one app, then added another and after like 6 weeks of them I got annoyed and deleted them both and downloaded something new.

OK Cupid.

Now I’ve had this app before and I used to like it but then they went and changed how it worked and it was lame. But it’s been over a year since I’ve been on it and now it’s better again!

So I met this guy on it – E. He’s 36 and Jamaican. Raised Christian. Ready for a serious relationship and marriage. Ok with waiting for a sexual relationship. Tall and dark, funny, and sweet. Wants kids.

I told a friend of mine that it was so weird to have a guy be so forward with what he wants and intentional and stuff and she’s like “yeah, it’s cos he’s a man not a boy.” But she is also Jamaican and said to test him because white women are seen as the holy grail of relationships and as a meal ticket basically. Well honey, you know my job I’m no one’s meal ticket!

So I took her advice to mind but still just enjoyed him.

We all know I hate talking on the phone, and that first phone call with someone is tres awkward and cringe worthy!! Our first call was literally 30 seconds and it was a mistake – both at work and he hit the wrong button and accidentally called me. But our first REAL call lasted about an hour and a half.

First video call, almost 2 hours. That was almost two weeks ago. Since then, we talk almost every night on video call for at least an hour and a half. We talk so much that its added to the strain on my voice and throat and I am not speaking at all this weekend because my throat hurts so much.

He is so genuine. Or so he seems. Monday will be three weeks since we matched online. We have both deleted our dating app profiles (well mine is disconnected, not fully deleted but it’s the same thing).

I am always weary of people I meet on dating apps, and especially ones who aren’t Canadian citizens. Like I have nothing against that, it’s just I’m not your green card wife.

So whenever something comes up, I am always like “AHHHH RED FLAG” and before I even finish thinking it, he talks himself out of it.

Like the insurance on his vehicle ended and he had to return it. RED FLAGG!!!!! He’s gonna ask for money or for me to get him insurance. But then said his friend was going with him and driving him back and would be taking him to and from work and that he had already gotten in touch with his buddy in Jamaica to send the needed notarized documents so that he can get a full license here which means he can get insurance by himself. Didn’t even ask me to help in any way. Just wanted to let me know where he was gonna be that day cos he would be away from his phone.

OR his visa is up in December. RED FLAGGGGGG He legit asked me to marry him after we had been talking for 2 days. He said (like two weeks later) he has enough experience to know what he wants and needs and that he has found something special and amazing in me and that he already loves me. That’s all good but like dude slow down. He said that to get married is the easiest way to fix the visa problem, RED FLAG but that he has other things going to make it legal without marrying someone or that he will just stay. So I get all anxious over him being a scammer and he’s legit just informing me of what is going on in his life.

OR because he’s just here on a tourist visa he’s working in construction (or illegal labour as my brother says) – that’s a red flag!! But he works hard every single day and makes times for me and says he always pays his way no matter what.

He is open and transparent and so far very consistent. We have met in person now and we have a good connection and I could TOTALLY see myself falling in love down the road, but just not right now. He also says the right thing all the time.

So after talking for almost two weeks I learn that his visa is up on December 15th. Like I knew it was finished in December, but having that actual date makes a difference ya know?

I found out just a few days before we met and I guess it kind of tainted our meeting, but I can honestly say that I still feel like he is completely genuine.

And I have thought about all the possible outcomes:

  1. He gets his visa extended and everything is fine and we continue to get to know each other better and build a great relationship
  2. He doesn’t get his visa extended and he stays anyway (like he says he will) and we continue to get to know each other and build a great relationship.
  3. He doesn’t get his visa extended and has to go back to Jamaica and we continue to get to know each other and build a great relationship
  4. He doesn’t get his visa extended and has to go back to Jamaica and we end things.
  5. If we had met when he moved here and had time to build a relationship and then his visa ends and we get married because we are in a good solid place to actually get married

At least I thought I had thought of all the outcomes. We were video chatting on Thursday and he asked me what would happen with us if he “had a friend help him out” and marry him so he could stay. I didn’t even hesitate, I said we’d be over. I don’t date married men. Even if it’s a fake marriage. And I’m not going to sit around and wait for him while he has to stay married for so long to appease whatever powers may be.

Then he asked how I felt if it was a like a business arrangement, where we get married and then continue to get to know each other on a deeper level before anything physical or sexual happens.

And now I’m taking a break from us. We talked a bit more that night but we didn’t talk at all on Thursday except for me to tell him that I needed some space to think about things. I had rented a car on Friday for the day and was going to go see him but cancelled the booking and told him I wasn’t going to come. He says he understands and to do what I need to do. But even writing this (on Friday night) I miss him so much. And I want to talk to him and tell him about my day. But I haven’t figured anything out yet in my mind yet so I don’t want to even reach out. I don’t even know what I’m trying to figure out! I might just text tonight because it’s been so long and I honestly just want to talk to him.

He says he loves me. He says he can tell I love him too and that I’m just waiting to say it back. Who knows. I don’t know? I can see myself building something real with him in the future. But I can’t, and won’t, marry him before the 15th. I value the sanctity of marriage too much. And what that means as a Christian. And he gets that. But I also know he’s probably starting to get desperate. And with that, marriage would give him the possibility to find better work and build a better life.

It feels kind of mean that I finally find an actual grown man and this is the circumstance around it. But of course I could be reading this situation all wrong and he’s just a scammer trying to scam. I’m not leaving it all up to my own knowledge though, I constantly pray about it and seek the advice of others. The one person I would usually talk to about this I don’t talk to anymore, and the vice I usually used to deal with these emotions I don’t indulge in anymore. There have been lots of sweet snacks lately instead LOL

If you have any insights, I’d love to hear them.

18 thoughts on “The Newest Guy

  1. The marriage thing is a bit weird… I’m not an immigration expert, but I know enough from doing my own research when we talked of moving back to Canada. From what I recall, there is no such thing as a ‘spouse visa’ in Canada. Your spouse or partner can sponsor you, but it doesn’t mean your visa will be granted – especially if you haven’t been married for long because you do have to provide proof of a genuine relationship in most cases. Plus, if he decides to stay illegally after his current visa ends, he might not be granted a new one and he could be deported and not be allowed to come back (same if he gets caught working while on a tourist visa).

    I’m not saying he’s a scammer though. Immigration law is VERY complicated and if he doesn’t have a good lawyer, he might not know the exact rules. Either way, he shouldn’t overstay his leave to remain. Encourage him to check with an immigration solicitor – if it’s like here, he might be able to have his visa extended for compassionate reasons because of COVID.

    Anyway! Enough immigration advice… Whatever happens, I hope everything ends well and wish you a lot of happiness!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I don’t know if he’s a scammer or not, but my advice would be: if your relationship with him continues, then you should be able to one day (hopefully sooner than later) get to a place where you’re not second guessing his intentions, and have no doubts about anything. If you don’t think you’ll ever get to that point, maybe it’s not meant to be.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Oh, yes, I would certainly have him check into the extending the visa thing because of the pandemic, especially now with the increased lockdowns, or at least changing the tourist visa to a working visa if that’s possible. Also, has he met any of your friends? It might be nice to get their impression of him and how they see the two of you together. Crossing fingers for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The people I would have him meet don’t live in Toronto. He doesn’t either – he’s in Mississauga which is technically part of the GTA, but still a little far. He is adamant its not an issue. We will see. Just reaching out to him now

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Date someone stable. A Canadian or US citizen would be ideal – that’s my advice. What makes this situation complicated is that he seems like a very genuine person. I don’t blame you for being skeptical that he could be a scammer and/or immigrant as there is a headache of obstacles you would have to go through in order to make this relationship work.

    As for OKCupid, it’s the only dating site I would recommend. My husband is Asian but he’s a Canadian citizen. His parents immigrated to Canada from Singapore 30+ years ago and became permanent residents.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, T, matters of the heart are so hard, aren’t they. (((hugs))) My first thought is that if he really cares about you, he wouldn’t ask you to do those things so he can stay (especially as you have been very upfront about your beliefs). He would try and get a visa legally so you guys can work on your relationship, even if that meant he had to go home first.

    And saying he loves you after 2 days… that makes me wary as well. The Hub and I met, dated, got engaged and married in the space of 12 months, but we weren’t at “love” in 2 days and we were had spent a lot more time together in those 2 days than 2 ninety minute conversations. The fact he needs a visa urgently as well makes me worry for you.

    I can’t advise you in any way, but listen to your gut – when it comes to relationships it is often more reliable than your heart. And if he truly loves you, he will work out a way to be with you legally without compromising your values and beliefs (are you really okay with him being illegal?).

    Good luck, my friend.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. You have a good head on your shoulders and a decent instincts I’d say–that heart though…. 😅 have you asked about his previous relationships to get a sense of who he is in a relationship? That might help.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Oh my goodness. I’m glad I read this post… T, I’m sorry but it sounds like a classic scam from me 😢I mean, I’m sure some of the info is true, but it’s too coincidental that he has a visa issue, & knows you are a good Christian woman- my gut tells me you are being too kind and trusting. Sorry! I love everyone’s comments above, very supportive, but after 10 years of online dating, at the ripe old age of 54, I honestly hear warning bells. The fact that he DIDN’T ask you for help with his car/insurance problem is actually part of the scam that is used to gain more of your trust. Please be careful! Love and concern from Australia xx ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: Again with the Guy | No Love for Fatties

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