A little insight into my life right now. It will get super personal and long, so if you’re not into personal stuff or reading a lot, maybe continue on your way today.
It has been a very strange period of growth for me during this pandemic. I have made some serious life changes.
First, was introducing a lot of exercise into my day. It’s been great for my own mental health I think to be able to have that change of pace. I’m motivated and determined to keep it up.
I’ve been eating less, eating out less, and cooking more. Maybe this will result in some positive body changes, if not, I feel better so that’s all I can really hope for.
I’ve cut boys from my life. I have kind of mentioned this before, but really I have cut them all out. I have three men who I communicate with who are not part of my family or my job. One is the person I was seeing from Dec-beginning of March and our communications are like “hey you ok?” “yeah you?” “yup”. I have stopped initiating them. One is someone I went on one date with but instead of a romantic entanglement this pretty awesome friendship has evolved. He usually pops up asking the meaning of some English slang (English is his second or third language) and then we catch up. And the other is someone from my past who I can’t see myself breaking from but I have stopped initiating conversation there as well and set some firm restrictions on what we can talk about.
So basically, I am not contacting any male. If they contact me I will be polite and civil and whatnot but there is no communication happening there. Of course this does not apply to the males who read/interact with me here on my blog lol. I am doing this because I know that if I want to focus on my relationship with God, I can’t be distracted by the physical world and the desires of the body.
For a really long time I have been struggling with some nasty habitual sins that I needed to take care of. I don’t know why it was time that my heart finally was like “we are fixing this” but now is that time. I have started to keep a log of my feelings for the day and am writing it as letters to Jesus. I’m not so great at praying what I’m feeling and I often get very distracted in my own prayer life, but when I write I am focused and usually stay on topic.
I just finished writing my Day 16 letter and it’s become pressed on my heart to share with you a little bit of what’s going on. Not everything but a little bit.
As a Christian, it’s really important for me to be held accountable in my walk and in my faith and I feel most comfortable sharing with you lovely people. Mostly because I don’t really know you in person, and I never have to see your faces and if, after reading posts like this, you have a different view of me as a person then I don’t really feel that negative backlash from it. Much different than if I were to be speaking to someone face to face.
About two months ago, I decided to cut one of my habitual sins from my life. Just cold turkey, cut it out, I’m done. And so far that’s been going really really well. The temptation to slip back into it has not yet arisen. Which I am very very thankful for.
Once I did that, I felt I was able to introduce daily prayer and bible reading into my life. Which I should have been doing as a Christian woman. But I have never really had that in my life. Ever. But now it’s there – I wake up and pray, eat my breakfast while reading my bible for no less than 15 minutes, and then I can start my day. Since it’s getting hotter out and I need more time to let my breakfast settle before my morning exercise, I am now waking up thirty minutes earlier for that food to settle which allows me more time to read my bible before leaving for my walk and then jumping into work.
I have started to see the changes in my own attitude and those around me as I have adjusted. A simple conversation with the roommate which usually would have erupted into chaos and shouting, was just a simple conversation. I ended my connection with The Guy 16 days ago, and 14 days ago I started tutoring the girl upstairs to help earn some extra money that I was hoping for.
Now I am trying to focus more on my religious walk. I have been researching things about my habitual sins that I am trying to get rid of. Finding out why they are considered sins and the backing for that. It helps to know the history of things sometimes, ya know? I am setting new boundaries for myself and adjusting how I think and react to situations which would have led me into the trappings that I used to get stuck in.
But now it seems to be going ok. Two months of slow changes, just over two weeks of a dedicated and determined heart and spirit. It’s been difficult and emotional but worth it.
Now comes my next step – really involving God in aspects of my life where he wasn’t before, but he should have been.
As we all know, I’m not exactly thrilled in my current roommate situation. I have basically been planning to move out since I moved in. I love the friendship I have developed with the people upstairs and they are truly a saving grace during this pandemic. However, I am still wanting to move.
Once again I have had an idea pop into my head. When I first moved to Toronto about three and a half years ago, I was placed in an apartment of someone my employer knew. Now, I loved living there. It was the perfect place for me I think but when I needed to move last summer, I thought it was massively out of my price range. I have $1200 stuck in my head for some reason and I’m not sure if that’s what he was asking from my employer or what. But it’s on my heart to reach out to him to see if he’s renting again.
I decided to see if I could free up some money and devote more of my pay to rent. This morning I went to change my cell phone plan. I have a lot of data that I don’t use so I was thinking if I downgraded I could save about $15 a month or so. Or I was hoping. So I checked out the plans offered by my provider and none of them were even worth switching for. At most I’d save $5 a month and all that I was changing was my data – going from 4GB to 1GB. I looked into how much more I had to go to pay off my phone (I’ve had it for almost 2 years so I should have been getting close) and IT WAS AT $0!!! Which means my bill will automatically go down $15 a month! YES!
A sign if I ever saw one.
So I’m thinking that I will be reaching out to my old landlord. I did the number crunching, and after tithing and bills and saying I could pay $900 a month in rent, I would have just under $200 left over. It’s not a lot BUT it would get me into a bigger and better place with less stress and drama. Closer to work to cut down on some transportation costs, and maybe even allow myself to get back into some online teaching to increase my income a little bit. Or I have felt that I should take my letters to Jesus and try to share them as a book. I think a lot more people are struggling with the same things I am but since it is so looked down upon within the Christian community and comes with buckets of shame and guilt, a lot are struggling alone.
So here I am – on the edge of making a HUGE life decision. I have started to pray about it, and tomorrow I will be fasting. I have never fasted before in search of answers from God so it will be interesting. Since I have never done it before, I’m going to have to do some researching into it and see what I will settle on. Right now in my mind it will be a 12 hour fast: 7am-7pm. But that’s as far as I have considered.
There ya have it. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for sharing in my sharing. I know it’s not always easy for people to speak about their religion or faith or how they see God working in their lives, but I am trying to get better at it and I know that those who follow this blog will always be supportive – even if they don’t believe the same things that I do.
Also if anyone has any experience in fasting and has things that they found works for them, lemme know in the comments below 🙂