Aaron has again given us a topic for his Sunday Scribblings series. Today’s is an emotional one.
It’s funny how quickly things can change in your life. Like really how quickly. One moment you are planning summer dates and ordering cute dresses and envisioning futures with someone, and then it all goes up in a cloud of smoke.
Some of you who are new around here, might not know that I’m a Christian. I feel confident talking about it and I want it to be a defining part of my life. Since quarantine started, I have made a huge leap towards building my faith. To be honest, it was kind of lame before. “Baby faith” as a lot of people call it. It was just on the surface and I want it to be deep. I actually envy those people I know who are strong Christians for their walk. But was I doing anything to better myself? No. Was I making better choices? No. Was I consulting God on issues, bringing him into my life on the regular? No. Was I praying once a day? Also – no. Not even once a day.
A friend of mine that I work with gave me the name of a preacher she watches on YouTube and for the last two months I have been watching a sermon at lunch time. And then I started to pray my little baby prayers when I’d wake up in the morning. And then about three weeks ago maybe I started devoting 15 minutes right when I wake up to reading my bible as well.
During this whole thing, I have been praying about The Guy a lot. I wanted to make sure that I was cultivating patience and a good relationship. We are two very different people and I need to be open to embracing the other person as they are. Not how I want things. In doing so, I was honest with him, I was up front. Then I started noticing all the signals of unhappiness that were there the last time. The more I prayed about it, the more unhappy I was, and then more I recognized the same things I did last time. That contributed to our implosion – then and now. Although last time was a fight. This time I just told him I had reached my limit and was done.
I recognized my own part in the break down in September. After we talked a little bit I understood it a little bit more. He couldn’t read my mind. This time I was an open book. Things were good – until they weren’t. And then the old habits were coming back. It got to a point where I needed some intention from him or else I was going to go insane. It’s just how I love, and how I want to be loved. I know everyone is different but there has to be some compromise between two personalities or else it would just implode again.
So I asked him three times last week where he thought we were headed, and what he wanted from us. I told him (again) how I felt. I had spelled it all out in April and we continued from there. He didn’t say anything. Which was fine at the time. But not anymore. I needed some sort of distinction. I needed progression and intent. Wednesday night I asked my third time about what he wanted from us, and where he thought we were going. I said I’d like to wake up to an answer. Falling asleep this sense of calmness came over me and I had this idea pop into my head that if he didn’t respond with an actual answer I was ending things and taking more time for my faith and relationship with God. Stay away from dating and relationships for 100 days. I woke up to “good night, sleep well!”
So I ended it Thursday morning. I can’t force myself to be ok with his lack of interest or his inability to commit to anything substantial. I can’t force him to change to meet my own personal emotional needs. I need quality time and real communication. I need intention. Planned dates. Being able to talk about anything. Not having my partner just ignore a serious topic or question. I laid out my case in a long whatsapp message, and said a very firm “Goodbye.” at the end. He replied deflecting almost everything I said, saying he was guarded and never knew my real feelings and found it confusing that I was “showering him with kindness”. So now I’m angry in how he replied. I read it over a few times to understand what he was saying and deleted the conversation, and his contact from my phone.
And now I’m going to be taking more time for myself and for God. I’ll be spending the next 100 days (98 now haha) focusing on that relationship and mending it.
It was actually when Aaron posted this topic of signals that I really started to look at the things I was noticing about The Guy. I knew right away this would be my post for today. I had seen the behaviour before and I kind of always had in the back of my head that it would happen again. Maybe that’s why The Guy was so guarded because it ended the exact same way in September. Me wanting more, and him not knowing my intentions. And true enough, same as last time I went from really happy to less and less, and the change happened very suddenly. But I started to trust my gut with those signals, and the ones I feel I was getting from prayer, and here we are.