I’m sure I’ve written about this before, but just bear with me as I unload some feelings from my mind this morning. I apologize in advance that it’s longer than my regular posts.
It’s no secret around here that I am a pretty confident woman. I’ve written before about how I react to compliments or situations in life. I’m basically Regina George but in a plus-sized body. But I had a super interesting conversation yesterday with my best friend about my confidence.
Ya see, I just started getting to know this (
completely gorgeous amazing) guy, I’ve mentioned him a few times over the last few posts, and he’s kind of incredible. Instantly he was praising how pretty I was and I basically followed my normal line of “I know, right?! Thank you.” Which is weird, because with guys I meet off of dating sites (which is where I met him), I don’t do that. I’ll say something like “aw that’s so sweet of you to say, thank you.” Ya know, being humble. But not with him. I never had the desire to reign in my awesomeness with this new guy. Maybe it’s because at first, I thought he was just this super attractive man looking for a hook-up so I didn’t put on my sass filter. Honestly, it’s great that I feel comfortable enough to do that. But in one sassy conversation (all our conversations are sassy), he was like “cocky girl” and I corrected him by saying “confident girl”. I’ve never considered myself to be cocky, but confident.
And I know I’ve said this a lot, but it took me a long time to get to where I am. As a plus-sized woman, I am constantly being told by society that I need to change myself. Especially if I have any hope of being in a happy relationship with someone. And for the longest time, I believed it. It’s only been in the last 10 years or so that I’ve started to change my thinking about my body and my own personal value.
It’s a hard thing to overcome. My mom is in her 60’s and she still doesn’t have it. She puts herself down and is super hard on herself, thinking that she needs to change her weight and shape in order to be worthy of love. And no matter how many times she is told otherwise until she believes it herself it’s not going to register in her mind.
For me, it honestly started with a lot of pretending. I had friends who were skinny and beautiful and I felt like a mouse beside them. I felt fat and ugly and unworthy. But then I started to pretend. Like just for a night out at a club I would pretend that I was as pretty or as desirable as they were. And little by little, I slowly started to accept myself for who I was and I started to like myself for who I was. Then one day, I think I was 21 or 22, I was at work and it was Halloween, and I had been semi-flirting with someone there a little bit and I was in my costume which was just a black dress I had and some butterfly wings, and he walked by me in the store and stopped and was like “wow!” That was the first time that had ever happened. It made my confidence soar! Just for a day. But oh my goodness that power of that wow was unreal.
That was basically my starting off point. For that one day, I felt desirable to someone else. Not because I was forcing myself to pretend, but I actually felt it. I took that feeling and transformed it into what I have now, which is a love for my body and a self-awareness that I am beautiful and I am worthy of someone to love and that I am pretty awesome.
So that’s where my confidence comes from. And this new guy really likes that. Yesterday we were sitting in a coffee shop and he tells me he wants to boost my confidence, and I half laugh and told him that there isn’t much room for it to boost. He says he’s still going to do it. And I was talking with my best friend about it after I had gone home, that how he said it, and the sincerity that he has when he says all his sweet things to me can be very overwhelming at times. And my best friend said, “wow! But you’re like the most confident person I know!” And then basically I told her everything you just read through.
And sure, I am confident in myself, but I am never confident in other people seeing what I see in myself. I still hold the views that I’m not pretty to other people, even though I view myself as totally rocking. Or that I’m not desirable to other people even though I think that I am. Do you follow? My best friend says that she does, so I hope that you do too.
Even at almost 32 years old, having someone be so sweet and doting is overwhelming. Even with how I feel about myself. I feel like I’ve hit a new stage in my self-development. Now that I’m super confident in myself, I have to make room in my mind that will allow the notion that I can be viewed that way by others too. I’m not sure I was prepared to have to struggle with that, but here I am struggling. And blushing. And then blushing some more when I get asked why I’m blushing.