I have a lot of internal struggles lately. Like nothing major, just ya know, struggles. Trying to find the balance between who I am and who I want to be.
I’ve kind of always had this little voice in the back of my head that says I’m too fat. Ya know, the one that comes from society, my mom, some friends in high school (thanks S for the cruel things you said because it was the inspiration for the name of this blog). But I’ve also never really paid much attention to it. I’m just too busy being me to really feel all that bad about being fat. Who has the time to focus on negative things? I also think there is huge empowerment with being a female and not criticizing your body and your flaws. Except for my hair, you all know how I’m not a big fan of my hair.
Anyway, so I never really felt bad about my body, but I never really felt great about it either until I was around 22/23. And literally, all it took was one super amazingly gorgeous guy I was crushing on to tell me he thought I was attractive (you never realize how little you hear that until you actually hear it) and then I was ok with my body. I really hope that it’s that easy for everyone else who struggles with body issues. And I still do struggle with the issues, but I also love my body at the same time. The difference between just being indifferent with your body and loving your body is phenomenal.
So I’ve never really focused on weight loss. Like if it happens, then it happens, but it’s never been one of my top priorities. I did pilates for a few months in South Korea but didn’t see any weight loss from that. I was just having fun. When I started the nanny job I have, I started to drop weight. Mostly because I was moving more than I did in other jobs. I was hustling! Over the last 2.5 years, I’ve lost like 35 pounds just by living. And I was super proud of that! I can see my shape change and I was totally digging it. But I also didn’t change my lifestyle to facilitate more loss.
But then Christmas happened. My mom has a scale in her bedroom and I usually step on it when I’m at home just to check in and see how I’m doing. And I had gained back 10 pounds! TEN POUNDS! And then something clicked in my brain. I don’t want that back. So now, I’m in this “I want to lose weight” thing that I’ve really never been in before. I know I gained back the weight because in October-November I basically just gave up on eating anything healthy and stuffed my face as much as I wanted to, eating my feelings. That was new for me too – I usually don’t do that.
So now, I’m doing lots of things I usually don’t do! Eating my feelings, caring about losing weight. Something has got to shift. And it’s not going to be the caring about losing weight. I’m not sure why it matters now that I drop more, but it does. Goodbye, snacking and mindless eating. Hello, morning yoga and smaller portions! And it’s going to be a balmy 5ish degrees when I get off work tonight. I might actually get in my first run of the year if it’s not raining!