The Internal Struggle

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I have a lot of internal struggles lately. Like nothing major, just ya know, struggles. Trying to find the balance between who I am and who I want to be. 

I’ve kind of always had this little voice in the back of my head that says I’m too fat. Ya know, the one that comes from society, my mom, some friends in high school (thanks S for the cruel things you said because it was the inspiration for the name of this blog). But I’ve also never really paid much attention to it. I’m just too busy being me to really feel all that bad about being fat. Who has the time to focus on negative things? I also think there is huge empowerment with being a female and not criticizing your body and your flaws. Except for my hair, you all know how I’m not a big fan of my hair.

Anyway, so I never really felt bad about my body, but I never really felt great about it either until I was around 22/23. And literally, all it took was one super amazingly gorgeous guy I was crushing on to tell me he thought I was attractive (you never realize how little you hear that until you actually hear it) and then I was ok with my body. I really hope that it’s that easy for everyone else who struggles with body issues. And I still do struggle with the issues, but I also love my body at the same time. The difference between just being indifferent with your body and loving your body is phenomenal.

So I’ve never really focused on weight loss. Like if it happens, then it happens, but it’s never been one of my top priorities. I did pilates for a few months in South Korea but didn’t see any weight loss from that. I was just having fun. When I started the nanny job I have, I started to drop weight. Mostly because I was moving more than I did in other jobs. I was hustling! Over the last 2.5 years, I’ve lost like 35 pounds just by living. And I was super proud of that! I can see my shape change and I was totally digging it. But I also didn’t change my lifestyle to facilitate more loss.

But then Christmas happened. My mom has a scale in her bedroom and I usually step on it when I’m at home just to check in and see how I’m doing. And I had gained back 10 pounds! TEN POUNDS! And then something clicked in my brain. I don’t want that back. So now, I’m in this “I want to lose weight” thing that I’ve really never been in before. I know I gained back the weight because in October-November I basically just gave up on eating anything healthy and stuffed my face as much as I wanted to, eating my feelings. That was new for me too – I usually don’t do that.

So now, I’m doing lots of things I usually don’t do! Eating my feelings, caring about losing weight. Something has got to shift. And it’s not going to be the caring about losing weight. I’m not sure why it matters now that I drop more, but it does. Goodbye, snacking and mindless eating. Hello, morning yoga and smaller portions! And it’s going to be a balmy 5ish degrees when I get off work tonight. I might actually get in my first run of the year if it’s not raining!

22 thoughts on “The Internal Struggle”

  1. I might have to join you. I’ve been consuming donuts and pizza like it’s my job the past few weeks. I keep telling myself I’ll get to the gym, but I always find an excuse not to. I need to get back in my routine I had this time last year, but without the wedding motivating me, it’s so much harder!

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    • Yeah! We got this!! I don’t believe in deprivation diets, if I want pizza, I’m gonna eat pizza lol but instead of eating alllll the pizza, I’ll have a few slices. Moderation! Eat the pizza and donuts 🍩 just less of them lol I had a nice yoga session this morning. I was so out of practice though my muscles are all shaky and tense and trying to do a back bend almost killed me lol

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  2. I like the idea of ‘mindful eating’. Basically, you eat what you feel like eating, but you learn to listen to hunger cues from your body. After years of counting calories and journalling food, it came as such a relief. I also started craving vegetables, like, all the time and especially when I up my running mileage. I hope you get good running weather, and good luck with your weight loss goal. 😊

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    • Mindful eating sounds good! Yesterday I was eating like EVERYTHING for no reason! But I was also a little upset and stressed and emotional eating is something I don’t want to make a habit! I also took a lot of snacks out of my house haha which helps! Two years ago I gave up chips and soda for lent and by the middle of it, I was craving celery. And I HATE celery!! It was so weird! I hope I get my run in tonight as well. I’m super excited for it to happen!

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      • We all have days like that I think, the important is that you’re aware of it. 😊 It’s so hard to give up stuff and it does weird stuff to your brain, haha! I did #nochocolatejanuary and it was sooo hard and I had the most random cravings… 😂

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  3. I think if you are doing it for you, and not because of some outside influence (your Mum, some guy, friends or social media expectations) you’ll be successful. Good luck.

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  4. Permanent weight loss needs to be a move towards permanent healthy eating & regular exercise- fad or deprivation diets DO NOT WORK- slowly slowly- add more raw vegetables when you eat pizza, make veg juices, eat more protein and slightly less carbs, have healthy snacks always available so you don’t suddenly binge, STOP BUYING COOKIES OR CHIPS (if they are in the house you WILL find them), and drink more water- sometimes we think we’re hungry when we’re actually thirsty. Try and eat organic too- lots more nutrient-rich food will give your body what it really needs, and stop it roaming wildly for a quick hit of sugar. Start every morning with a 20-30 min walk; after a month, your metabolism will accept the new regime, and start to burn stored energy/fat. You literally have to melt it off you, but you CAN. It’s hard to diet and exercise in Winter… wait till Spring to really get going. And always start a new routine the day after your period has finished: hormonally, you are all fresh & powered up for change! You can do it T, slowly but surely xxx

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  6. I’m in the same boat. I got off of birth control and gained 10 pounds. I need to lose 15-20 pounds to be where I really want to be. For the month of May I’m focusing on my diet. In June I’ll start incorporating weight lifting. I try to keep in mind the need to be balanced, and the support of a friend is always helpful. I hope all goes well with your weight loss journey.

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