I made the choice at the end of November to keep December boy-drama free. This was an excellent choice for my mental and emotional health. I needed a break from it all. It’s also given me a chance to do a little reflecting on myself.
During my Saturday Questions posts, for week 13 I had to write about something that was holding me back. If you read the post, the thing that I settled on was fear. Now, fear is kind of a huge umbrella of a thing to be holding me back, so I did separate it into different sections. The first section, probably not surprisingly, talked about my fear of rejection and being heart broken again. I’m still working through that so it really is no surprise to me that it was the first thing that popped into my mind.
I basically do all my posts as a stream of consciousness – I just let everything out and I type until I’ve come to a point where I feel I can stop. I give it a quick read over and then I post. It may not be the best way to get coherent thoughts out, and some of the drama over a few posts lately can kind of show that I might need to start planning better, but it’s what works for me.
So I’ve been really focusing on that lately. I read somewhere that new relationships are kind of scary because it can be viewed as like “this isn’t going to work out” or “this is the last first date I’m ever going to have” and that’s a lot of pressure. I don’t really look at first dates like that, but it is kind of true and that’s a lot to process when first meeting someone, or first going on a date with someone.
Maybe that’s why I’ve been so quick to dismiss guys lately? I’ve been scared of that possibility that it might actually work out. Before October, I always had this idea in the back of my head that the person I was holding onto in my heart would come around and would I want to be dating someone else when he did? I knew in my brain that it wasn’t going to be that way, but my heart wouldn’t let that hope go. Especially when we were still friends and had the relationship we did.
But then this morning, while doing my regular Pinterest scan, I found this (omg how many times have I said that on this blog?!):
And that was like a massive punch to the throat! I do this all the fudge muffin time!!
I over think things. Constantly. So if/when I get to a point where I have the courage to tell someone that I have feelings for them or that I actually love them, then it’s like the deepest emotion for me, and that’s really hard to move on from because I have literally gone over basically all of our interactions and talked myself out of saying it a thousand times before I will admit it to myself and to the other person.
Even reflecting on the few guys I tried to date over the summer/fall. I was definitely trying to use them to force my heart to give up on who I really wanted to be with (not the best idea, I know, I actually feel really bad about it) and I always did fall back on “what about this other guy” when I was with them, but I was also really quick to judge our relationship potential. If I’m being totally honest with myself about this last guy from November. Having a two-week break from all communication with him, I can see where I was hasty, but I can also see where there were major red flags too. I’m not sure which side had the bigger stake in my decision to cut ties with him.
So moving forward, I think I need to work past the fear and the over thinking. This break has given me the chance to do my “teacher thing” and reflect. I love that I learned that skill in teacher’s college. Like it’s a serious pain in my tushie somedays because I am constantly reflecting on things, but other times, like right now, it does force me to accept the flaws within my self and try to learn to be better by correcting them.
So Dateless December continues! Hopefully, I will continue to learn about myself and how to have my heart open to possibilities in the new year.