I tend to get attached to people too easily. Invested too quickly.
Which then leads itself to another problem: cutting people out of my life who need to be cut out. It’s a double-edged sword I guess. Too easily to trust and form connections and the relationships, but then I take too long to end things that need to be ended.
When I was 2, my family starting going to church. I met a girl but we weren’t friends right away. But we’ve known each other literally our entire lives minus two years. I’ve written about her quite a bit, especially when I first started my blog since that was when I was cutting her out. I’ve referred to her as Angela – which isn’t her name.
So a few years ago, after finally having enough of her bad friendship, I ended things. I was tired of her negativity and how it influenced my life. She ended up pregnant (after only 6 months before going into a righteous rant over another friend’s current wife and their pre-marriage pregnancy scare) and married her then boyfriend, now husband. They were engaged and married in about 2 months. I wasn’t formally invited to the wedding but was sent a text saying I could go to the ceremony. I had it all booked off work and was ready to see my oldest “friend” get married, and when confirming the details was told it was cool for me to still go “if I felt like it.” I knew we weren’t close at that point, and had actually started considering that we never were all that close over the 25 years we had known each other, but that was the last straw for me.
She was the type where I would be having a serious emotional breakdown, I would send paragraphs of text looking for some sort of support or advice and I’d get an “ok” or a “lol” reply. That was it. Yet when she was having a moment, I had to reply instantly with some sort of uplifting whatever. And she held onto anger over the smallest things. So I decided to let go of mine and my resentment over her treating me like that and just cut ties.
It happened gradually, but eventually, we were no longer connected on any social media sites and her number had been deleted from my phone. It was really hard for me to do that, especially considering how long we had known each other, and for how long I had considered her to be my best friend – although, again, looking back she never really was.
But I eventually moved on. As soon as the guilt over it had left, I could feel myself being happier. I have the best of best friends now, someone I knew way back then and who helped me through that transition. Someone who is supportive and there for me, and I am for her as well (or at least I try to be!).
Yet this person, this Angela, has popped up again. About a week or two ago she requested to follow my Instagram page. It’s a private account, and after considering it for a day, and talking it over with the best friend, I declined it. It’s been about 4 years since I broke off contact and I didn’t see the point of going into anything again.
I knew she had had a second baby and was still with her husband (or so I can assume). I still talk to her little brother sometimes on Facebook too. But then today, I have a Facebook message that she wants to “connect.”
And here I am thinking to myself that I was happy when I cut her from my life and all the stress that left when I made that choice. Even after all that, I’m now feeling guilty about not responding or not allowing her to view my accounts. Maybe it’s because I just found out that her grandma has passed sometime over the last day or two. Or maybe that’s why she’s reaching out? She only ever did before when she needed something. But I still have this pain of guilt in my gut over it. Over a decision that has only made my life better in the long wrong.
And this is where I hate how attached I get and how hard it is to take toxic people out of my life. How easily I can form quick bonds with people which then take years to break and leave me feeling like I’m the one who is in the wrong. How I am treating them badly, but in reality, it was a decade of me feeling used and pushed to the side which led to the end of the relationship in the first place.