We left off on Thursday night just as I was leaving work. I walked home, and like always, showered and had my phone call with Mr Wonderful. We are talking and, again, I bring up the fact that I know he’s sure about us, but I’m still in the gauging phase. I also mention that I haven’t really been thinking about it, instead focusing on how much fun we’ve been having and that I will be seriously thinking and praying about it. His tone changed a little on the phone, but after a few minutes he seemed back to normal and we went over some last minute details for our meet-up the next day. We said goodnight and hung up in good spirits – so I thought.
I open my blog emails and am just about to start reading the first one when my phone rings again. It’s him. He sometimes does that, we hang up, he calls back and we talk for like another 10 minutes and then it’s goodnight for reals. He said he wasn’t finished talking so I was all “ok, what do you want to talk about?” and then dead. silence. Like nothing. “Mr Wonderful? Hello?”
Then a sigh. And at least two minutes of him talking without me saying a single word. He’s not good enough for me, he doesn’t want to drag me down, he doesn’t think this is good for me, he’s toxic in relationships, he wants me to find my one true love, he has so many insecurities and abandonment issues that he knows will affect us. And on and on. How he didn’t want to ruin my day tomorrow by telling me tomorrow. And I’m just sitting there, at 10:30 pm at night, almost in tears as he talks. I am at a loss for words. Totally. Numb.
He finally asks me if I have anything to say. Like what on earth am I suppose to say to that? Literally one minute we are totally fine and happy and then he calls back and we’re done because he’s no good for me? I half stammer and stutter a few times and then quietly just go “so what does that mean exactly?” He hadn’t actually said he was ending things, like not exactly. And his answer didn’t really clarify it. But he asked again if I had anything to say as if we were talking about what to do on the weekend and it was a simple “anything else to add?” Seriously?! We eventually got to a point where I was just too shocked to say anything, tears in my eyes, and I told him I was going to go, and that I needed time to process all of this.
I’m not sure why I said that. What did I need to process? Like he ended things. That was his choice. But it also felt like it was mine – like he was leaving it in my hands? Needless to say, I didn’t sleep.
The next day, which was supposed to be our 3rd date, was horrible. The numbness continued (I really hope this isn’t what Mr Potential felt, but since we are still friends I don’t think so), I was in a fog. I had to go and get a birthday present for 1st, so I had to go out. But I only stayed out long enough to get new winter boots and her gift. An hour. Then I ordered pizza and laid in my bed for literally the rest of the day. I would have made Lorelai Gilmore proud with my wallowing.
Around noon, Mr Wonderful called me(#1). I didn’t answer. He sent a text (like he always does “I called you” like DUH it was just on my screen I can see that) asking if I was ok. I text him back saying I didn’t want to talk and that I needed some time with this. Again, looking back I’m not sure what I needed time with. My friends were all super supportive, a lot of them suggesting that he probably just needed a little reassurance. But as the day went on, I was getting more and more confused. Was this a test of my support for him? Was he just trying to see if I would reassure him? Would this be a constant thing for us? I’m not into mind games, and I can’t have a relationship with someone who would do that. But were the first two post of this story mind games for you guys? Sorry if they were haha. I knew how it was going to end…I misled you…I apologise.
He called again around 7 (#2, ignored), and by 8 I was typing an email to him. I didn’t want to talk to him on the phone. While I was typing, another call from him(#3), and a voicemail, both I ignored for the time being.
I emailed him and said that I think it was best that we stopped all this, that it was too much for me. And maybe, if he was able to work through his insecurities, we could move forward. But it was a firm end from me. I left the room and when I came back 20 minutes later I had 4 new missed calls (#4-7) and a second voicemail asking me to call him. He had replied to the email, saying that he was developing feelings for me and got scared. I replied I was too but this was all too much for me. I ended it with a “Bye.” Of course, at this point, I was feeling horrible!
When I woke up Saturday, and I had missed another call (#8). Doing homework with 4th and my phone rings, it’s him (#9). I decline it. He immediately calls back (#10). I silent the phone and let it finish ringing then text him to stop calling since I was at work. He asked to speak after, I said no, that he had ended things and that it’s all too much, especially after the 10 phone calls in less than 24 hours. I literally turned off my phone to stop the text alerts from coming in (next time I’ll just set it to airplane mode. Didn’t even think of that in the moment).
When I turned it back on (only a few minutes later since I was sent out to pick up some food for lunch), I was forced to read how he had told me about his insecurities and that now I was doing exactly what he was insecure about. And how my actions made him think that I never actually liked him at all. And how I had disappointed him.
This guy just jumped off the crazy train and did a nose dive into la la land. The best friend was saying the constant calls and messages sounded like harassment, but as soon as I sent her a picture of our short text conversation, she said it was more like emotional abuse. I don’t know what it was, but I was done with it.
A quick text message to my tech-savvy brother and I learned how to block his phone number so he can’t call or text anymore. Thank goodness!
And now I’m taking a break from dating. Like forever (not really, I promise, but at least for a while).
Hopefully, after this weekend, Mr Potential and I will have actually started to be friends, both agreeing that it would be nice to see each other again (as friends), and I’m hoping that means there will be baby sheep involved because I want to pet one.
Thankfully, after wallowing for most of the weekend, and eating lots of junk food, I am feeling much better (emotionally, not physically. I feel like crap from all the bad food). And writing this has helped as well. As Jane Austen writes, a girl likes to be tossed in love once in a while (from Pride and Prejudice, not exact words. Don’t quote me), and it was a thrilling feeling while it lasted.