There’s always that one friend

 

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Do you know that friend? What about if you feel like that friend?

I’ve felt like this friend a few times in my life, and I think it’s why I tend to have several really close friends, but not a large group of friends.

When I was growing up, my “best friend” was from my church. We lived about a 20-minute drive from each other and only saw each other on Sundays. But we were best friends. I’m not sure why we called each other that, but we did. I had other friends at my school and she had her friends at her school, we were always closer to them than each other, but we were “best friends”.

When we reached the age to be in youth groups with the church, that’s where I really started to see the divide. She had boy cousins our age and when we would be at youth nights or events, she would be off with them and her brother(s) and I would be sitting alone. I never really fit into the youth group. She was the only girl my age at my church, everyone else was older or younger, or related to each other. I was the odd one out.

This one time, a new girl started going to our church. She was a year older than me and my best friend (she’s Angela in my older posts), but we all seemed to get along well. And the girls who were a year older than me didn’t want to hang out with the new girl. One weekend, I invited both Angela and the new girl to a sleep over at my house. Angela and the new girl spent the whole night talking and playing and I was just by myself. At my own house.

So I felt like that friend. The one that, if they disappeared, no one would really notice.

Then in high school, I felt like that friend again. I kind of bounced from one group of friends to the next, they would all make plans to hang out after school or on the weekends, and I was never invited. But at school, we were “friends”. One group, I was super close with from grade 9-11, had about 4 girls all together. I had a falling out with one of them in grade 12 (she’s one of the Sarah’s I’ve written about before), and then the other two shunned me over it as well. So I stopped eating lunch with them and just spent more time with a different “friend” group.

Again, feeling like that friend.

While in university, I was part of this group at the job I had. We called ourselves “The 3 T’S” since we all had first names that started with T, and a guy friend with an S.  We did everything together and were sooo close. In my last year at university, I started to tire of the other 2 T’s. They were really negative and loved to gossip and talk smack about literally everyone being super petty and spiteful and I could see that rubbing off of me. But I stuck it out because I was friends with so many other people who would always be going to the same things. Then my birthday rolls around – two weeks after another T’s birthday. We had a huge bash for her and my party was just around the corner. I waited at my apartment and not a single one of them showed up. No one from that group of friends. I had Angela there, and a friend I had invited from university. So we went to the club I had picked and had a great time (I tried not to be sad about it) and then my awesome roommates met up with us at the second bar on the list after Angela and the other girl left and we had a really great time. They really were the best roommates.

Soon after that, I cut ties with the T’s. I only wanted to not be around the 2 T’s anymore, but what I didn’t realise was in not associating with them, it meant that I was blackballed from every single social gathering where the T’s were. Even S stopped all communication. In an act to take two toxic people out of my life, I was out of everyone’s life I had thought I had been friends with for 4 years.

As a side note, about a year later while I was in Korea, one of the T’s reached out to me. She was planning a trip to Asia and was asking about life there. She added me on Facebook again and I thought that was a good step towards rebuilding our friendship. But she told everyone that I had reached out to her and that I was asking her to come back into my life. 

And once again, I was left feeling like that friend.

So now, I don’t have groups of friends. I have this friend and that friend. I’ve formed solid, long lasting relationships with some amazing people and I’m really happy about that. Sure it hurts to look back and reflect on those groups where I was basically the disposable friend, but I know now that the friendships I have kept through all of that, are the ones that really matter. The ones that fill my life with happiness and help me grow into a better person just by having them around.

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21 thoughts on “There’s always that one friend

  1. I 100% relate to this post. I’ve gone through groups and squads and cliques because of them or me, this reason or that reason, and have finally realized that 1:1 friendships work best for and that I feel I get the most (and can give the most!) in that type of a dynamic. I think social media and Taylor freakin’ Swift are really trying to push the whole #squadgoals BS and sometimes I get a complex over not having a squad but then I remember all my amazing individual friendships and thank my lucky stars for all of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes! Through high school and the beginning of college, I had 2 best friends, one of which I moved in to an apartment with. I was in a long term relationship and they both were in on/off relationships, so they would go out just them 2 and talk about their situations minus me because ‘I wouldn’t understand.’ I felt betrayed because I was the one that introduced them.

    Then of course I had a falling out with my roommate and my supposed BFF stayed close with her. And then, when I dumped my ex, my (again) supposed best friend chose to stay friends with my ex instead of me. Since that happened, I haven’t made a single friend. I’m too scared of being hurt again. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate to this post, too. I was a “floater”… kind of in a couple of different groups… but never feeling truly a part of any of them. One time, I even got two girls who hated each other to be friends since I was friends with both of them… and then… guess what? Yeah… they ditched me and they were best friends.

    I guess my way of avoiding anything like that at this point in my life is that I have no friends…

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  4. I am so sorry that you had these experiences. 😦
    You’re so sweet online that I would have assumed you’d be the center of a group.

    I have never really given much thought to being ‘that friend’ in a group. But after reading your post I can think of some groups when I guess I was the disposable one. I’ve also got a couple of friends that I wasn’t particularly close to when they are part of a group, but when I got to know them as adults, I reeeeally like them. So maybe if you re-meet some people from the “olden days” you’ll have more in common than you might expect.

    Lastly, EVERYONE forgot one of my birthdays in my 20s (I’d invited people too early so they all had excuses or had forgotten by the time the birthday came around.) I was totally crushed. I even had nightmares about it yeears later and woke up all crying. I’m still friends with most of those people and they all had proper excuses but I don’t think they have any idea how hurt I was at the time.

    Anyway…I am going to be extra careful to make sure I never exclude people the way you have been excluded. It makes me mad on your behalf.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m usually not the centre of the group. I tend to take a back seat in large group situations. And I just remembered this group in teachers college where everyone decided to shun me half way through our last project of the year after I had helped them all year. Like even at graduation it was like I was invisible. Other friends in our class were like “wow….what happened?!” I literally have no idea!

      Im sorry I made you sad/mad! I didn’t mean to!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It can be so difficult to truly know with friends – some of us trust completely and think that everything is hunky-dory and awesome (like me) and then find out that it’s not as serious to anyone else… I’ve cultivated a core few that are there for me no matter what and remind myself that they deserve all of my friendship and love because they are awesome, and not to think of the deadbeats!! Great post 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am a lot like you in this respect. I was always odd man out growing up. I don’t know why. I don’t know if we give off this attitude or what but it always hurt my feelings. Now I will say I have a best friend that I’ve been friends with for 28 years and that has been a blessing. Even in my late 30’s there have been some times I’ve been excluded from the neighbor moms when we were good friends and that hurts but over the past year I’ve taken a f-it attitude and clung to my best friend and my soccer mom friends. Their exclusion doesn’t bother me anymore. You are my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This was written so incredibly well to describe what so many of us go through. I find so much of what you said relates to my own experiences. What many do not realize at the time is the damage this does to your self esteem. There is so much that is part of our education growing up, I wish they would spend more time focusing on helping people navigate the world and include things like managing self esteem

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for that comment! It’s been really supportive to have all the positive feedback from everyone who has read the post. It really does touch with so many different people. But it does kind of suck that so many can relate to that type of treatment by their “friends”.

      Liked by 1 person

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