I am so disappointed in myself.

Guys – I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. It’s that bad. 

So I kind of haven’t been sleeping over the last few nights. The room that I chose to move into, the door doesn’t close. I wasn’t informed of this when I was making my choice, so now I’m kind of stuck here for two weeks. I’ll be talking to my employer today to remind her that the door stays open about 2 inches (she was told about a week ago when a guest was in the room). This just means that I can’t get changed in my room and that I am woken up by the smallest of noises since I am such a light sleeper (and it seems like all the doors don’t fit in their frames properly so there is a lot of noise). Don’t worry – I bought ear plugs.

Since I haven’t been sleeping, I was pretty much dead to the world yesterday after church and making my first entry into my new gratitude journal. Ear plugs will be on the page today!! Anyways, so I was half asleep watching my new imaginary BFF RDJ in Due Date when one of my housemates knocks on my door to get me to go out. I said I would go with her and another girl who lives here downtown to see some R&B singer at a free concert. Little did I know, it started at 10 pm. I must be getting old because the thought of going to a concert that starts at 10 pm is the worst idea in the entire world to me.  Second to clowns of course.

Anyway, I was forced out of my almost sleep and made to put on my hair and shoes (how dare they!) and left for downtown. We arrived, had the most auh-mazing burger in the existence of burgers, and then saw this kind of meh acrobatic group. Then, we made our way over to the main stage for this R&B guy – DVSN. I had never heard of him before but one of the girls played one of his songs for me and he has a great voice. So I went.

But I had forgotten about New Year’s Eve when I was 19. I was at the same place with some other friends and we were literally 3 rows from the stage. Which meant that when the main performer came on, everyone pushed forward to get closer to him. That made me a little bit uncomfortable. Then it was midnight and he was reaching down to shake hands with people, and they surged forward again. Was getting a little claustrophobic at that moment. Then, it was time to go and everyone in front of us was now pushing to get out and I had so many people around me I literally couldn’t breathe and I started to panic.

That was the feeling I had last night. It wasn’t as crowded but I could just feel the people getting closer and closer. I hated it. He started his show at 10 and was only supposed to perform for about 45 minutes and then there was going to be some fireworks. I stood with my friends enjoying the music for what seemed to be at least twenty minutes. I was so proud of myself! I was feeling so horrible, I didn’t know his songs so I wasn’t distracted by the words, and I was only focusing on the crowd and the feeling of “GET ME OUT” that was building in my stomach.

I took out my phone and, I swear to you on the fame of the Backstreet Boys in the year 2000, it was 10:02. TWO FUDGE MUFFIN MINUTES! I told myself I had to stay there until 10:20. And at 10:20 exactly I told my friends I would meet them at the skate rental window when the show was over. I literally couldn’t stand there a minute longer. I got to the window and started taking deep breaths like I had just run a marathon or something. I calmed down and was able to enjoy the rest of the show until a surge of people went for the stage. Someone had just come on that they weren’t expecting. People were going insane.

I look up, and it kind of looked like Drake on the screen. And there it was. The complete and utter disappointment in myself. Actually attending a Drake performance. Gah – who is this person looking back at me in the mirror?! She went to a Drake performance. I need to mock her, but she’s me so how can I?! Gross…

Then after, some amazing fireworks! Which was nice. Managed to stay awake on the subway and bus to get home – always a good thing. And finally had a decent sleep.

But now I am left with such personal disappointment that I’m not sure what to do with my life anymore. I bet RDJ would know…


8 thoughts on “I am so disappointed in myself.

  1. Uh….. RDJ in that particular movie especially would have your back over the near panic attack in a crowd and the challenging yourself to deal with it but also know your limits. He stayed with ZG in that car because he HAD to not because he wanted to, and it is fitting how conflicted you feel and hard you are on yourself while also mentioning that movie which may have wisdom beyond measure for all of us beyond all time. You are amazing.the lack of privacy would make me an absolute nutter, I would probably have installed my own additional velvet curtains to the room entrance by now, you’re awesome. Love yourself a little.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The privacy isnt too much of a big issue. My boss looked at the door tonight and is going to call someone tomorrow to look at it hopefully. And if not, its just two weeks and then I’m out of this room. I can live with it for two weeks haha.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dare I say it…..I like DRAKE…like quite a lot! I also like Justin Beiber but I will stop here because I’m starting to hang my head in shame and I need to be able to look in the mirror to sort out my bed head!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lol yes I totally did! If I was close enough to touch his hand I would have been curled in a ball having a full blown panic attack. Does Parker like Drake? For some reason I find that so strange.


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