Dear Lord, give me strength…
I decided on Sunday that I needed to chronical this saga. Each day I’ll write up a little reflection of what happened. Except for Fri-Sun since that was before I started this log haha. It’s super long already so I don’t want to wait until Friday to post.
Made Profile. Purposely decided not to download the app onto my phone so that I am forced to only access my account when I am at home. That way I can stop it from becoming an addiction – or so I hope.
Started talking to a super nice guy, we hit it off, I was getting excited. He was saying all the right things (like how he was more spiritual than religious but if we were to start dating he’d come to church with me), then he gave me his number to call him after talking for less than an hour and I said I needed more time (it just didn’t feel like a good idea). He said no problem, take your time, be comfortable, he just likes to talk on the phone to hear voices and stuff. Went to message him the next morning and he had deleted his profile….I hate feeling like he was pushing me into wanting to talk to him, and then I felt bad because I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him yet.
Was matched with someone 97% and we went to univeristy together and I already knew him. He messaged me so I took some time to think it over and messaged him back saying no thanks. He told me not to worry about hurting a guy’s feelings (since I mentioned that in my message) but thanks for replying since most people just ignore messages if they aren’t interested.
By May 7th, I had answered so many questions and had lots of profile views. Lots of likes (which you can’t see unless you buy a membership) and a few mutual likes. I sent messages to two of these guys who had liked my profile and I had liked theirs, but apparently, they just disappeared into the wind.
Messaged by him around 9 at night. Matched 75%, which I thought was kind of low but I read his profile. He sounded like a great match. We hit it off, but it was late so I went to bed, wishing I had given him my number.
Downloaded the app and deleted it 1 hour later.
A few messages back and forth with him but then I had to get ready for work. I actually signed out of the website because I didn’t want it to show that I was online all the time.
Checked messages during dinner and he asked if we could text instead. Of course, I said yes. We text for a bit until I had to get the kids organised and then again on my walk home from work. Got home and my phone rang. It was him. Only having been connected for 24 hours, we talked for almost 30 minutes before he lets it slips that he has company over. COMPANY! He knew I was walking home alone and wanted to make sure I was ok, so he called me while he had company over because “we have been texting for so long and I just had to hear your voice.” It did feel like we had been texting for the longest time even though it had only been a day. And his voice is amazing, and he sent me a selfie almost right away, and he calls me stunning (even after my selfie of wind-swept hair from standing outside watching track practice and no makeup), and his eyes are amazing…and O-M-G I sound like a 12-year-old
Still haven’t logged back into the website…made semi-plans for coffee on Friday with him since I’m gone this weekend and next! But now the anxiety kicks in. I’m totally honest in my profile and list myself as “full-figured”. I’d say I’m more than curvy. He calls me pretty and stunning and in my head, I think that all the pictures he’s seen don’t truly represent me and that when we meet he’s going to be completely disappointed. He asked for more pictures today, so I sent one of more than just my face (because obviously…) and I looked amazing in it (I’m serious ya’ll, I’m not just being vain, I looked amazing)…too good I think….and it worries me. This is the day I had no sleep so maybe it’s just the lack of sleep talking but Idk…Maybe I just get excited about these things too easily?
Resolving not to text BFF-R about him for an entire day because I refuse to become one of those girls who only talk about the boy they are currently interested in – you folks don’t get the same consideration….#sorry #sorrynotsorry and I will not text him first because if he wants to talk he can text – but I really hope he does.
He texted while I was sleeping…..can you see the smile on my face? (if it was still Wednesday you probably could!)
Woke up refreshed and with an improved self-esteem, so listen up while I lay it on ya: I’m pretty awesome. I hate when people tell me that I can’t say that because ya know what?! I AM AWESOME! So are you! Do you know how much energy and commitment it takes to even just love yourself? It took me YEARS to not hate what I saw in the mirror thinking that I could never be good enough for anyone and I’m not giving that up because society tells me I have to be “humble” and “find faults” and “no one is perfect”. I’m not saying I’m perfect (far from it!), I’m saying I’ve grown into a pretty amazing person and I am proud of her! And I’m also not ashamed of how I look. And He is always saying how he loves a girl who is confident in herself, and that’s exactly who I am. I’m confident in who I am and how I look and the person that I have grown to be and who God made me to be! So yes..that’s my 8 am rant. Not that he did anything to inspire this rant…it’s more for the doubts in my own mind because he’s been nothing but lovely and those thoughts of not being good enough can pack their bags and catch the next train leaving the station. Choo-choo! Oh look there it goes…
Got an email that I had a new like on my online profile. But I have been logged out for 2 days now since he asked for my number on Monday. I went to just clear some notifications and his profile is deactivated…Kind of feel super great about that…talked to him later in the day and he said it was because he was worried about online dating stuff. But we are still talking….told him he really knows how to flatter a girl and his response “I want to flatter only you”. I just can’t even…