I know ya’ll are wondering how I’m doing. I think I will escape without hitting the bottom of the cold spiral. Low energy and stuffy nose will be all I’m afflicted with. But thank goodness once more for HotMess! Here is the second, and last, guest post. I’m probably going to be taking the next few days off to rest my brain, and body, from this cold, so I’ll see ya’ll on the other side of the weekend!
My Mother In Law Fell Off a Boat
My in-laws are the epitome of retired: rich, old, travelling, social, alcoholic and tired. Both retired a few years early and they make it their business to travel to Florida, South Carolina, and some hot as balls city in Arizona at least once a year. They leave for Florida about a week after Christmas and don’t return to Ohio until mid-March.
This year however, their return was possibly being moved up. Why? Because my mother in law (or as I lovingly refer to her, the Notorious MIL) fell off a boat, into the ocean. I didn’t mistype, you read that right. She fell off a boat, into the ocean.
Now normally before dinner they take their cocktails on the veranda. They could be in Anchorage and still have a veranda. They are like the Golden Girls, minus a feisty Sicilian.
To accompany this pre-dinner booze fest, the Notorious MIL usually lays out an entire spread of 5 different cheeses, grapes and Artisan crackers. Why? Because they are retired and can do that sort of shit. When they are ready to drive to the restaurant of the night, should they not be satisfied with the amount of alcohol they have ingested, no worries. They simply place their adult beverage in a high ball glass and stick it in the cup holder of the Camry.
So when I heard the Notorious MIL fell into the ocean, I had visions of her on her 5th mint julep, dancing to brown eyed girl, loosing her footing and falling in.
Apparently, this was a 3-hour tour before the pre-dinner booze fest so alcohol was at a minimum. The boat was docking and despite her friends telling her to wait to get off the boat, she is a stubborn little nugget and decided to disembark at her own risk.
As she placed one foot on the dock, the boat began to push away. She chose to hold on for dear life to the dock, eventually falling in. There is a story that my husband and father in law went white water rafting when my husband was a teenager and he fell off the raft. In lieu of saving his son, he allowed my husband to fend for himself and make it back into the raft on his own. Like that story, my father in law did not jump into the ocean to save my MIL; he froze. A family friend jumped in and swam her back to shore. I can officially say he will NEVER live this down. If it’s not fight or flight, what is it exactly? Perhaps there is fight, flight or freeze? Now of
Now, of course, my mother in law carries EVERYTHING in her cleavage. I shit you not. We’re talking money, credit cards, tissues, pens, chequebooks and cell phones. On more than one occasion, she has reached inside her cleavage to pull out money or a card to give to me. While I silently vomit in my mouth, I gingerly take the form of payment from her. After falling into the ocean it was discovered she had my father in law’s cell phone in her bra and it was lost to Nemo and Dory.
All in all, she broke her shoulder from the fall. She currently has it in a sling and an operation is not off the table. I can’t imagine driving from Florida to Ohio with a broken shoulder. I trust she was given pain killers for the trip.
So yeah, this may not fill a bucket list line but I can now officially say I know someone that has fallen off a boat, into the ocean. And it wasn’t Goldie Hawn.