Helpless

Do you like feeling helpless? Yeah…me either! 

I’m very much a person or habit and control. Don’t get me wrong, I can be flexible within those limits, but I hate feeling helpless. Working with kids you have to be able to be flexible and I have gained a lot of that ability over the last few years. Particularly since starting teacher’s college after my first contract in South Korea. Being in teacher’s college allowed me to learn how to have structure but also have flow and flexibility. A balance of both.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no 60’s hippy all “yeah whatever dude”

great thumbs up proud good job well done

But I’m also not Annie from Community who just can’t let anything go.

community alison brie annie edison

The last time I really felt helpless was when I was going through my transition out of Korea. I had no idea what was going to happen with my job, the money they owed me, my life when I returned to Canada 6 weeks earlier than expected. It was all up in the air. All the way to the airport I was freaking out. I knew it wasn’t possible for them to stop me, but I also felt seriously guilty for bolting on them. Even after everything they put me through last year. I don’t think my anxiety levels dropped until the plane was actually in the air. They didn’t disappear completely until I was at customs in Pearson airport in Toronto.

I hated that feeling of not knowing what was coming. I am a planner. I plan things. Sometimes, I over plan. I like it that way. I like knowing what could happen and planning for at least a few different outcomes (like going to the YMCA for work: bring school supplies, plus an extra book, some paper and crayons, my ipad for games). So putting my future into the universe and having to rely on God to get my through it was a tough call for me to make. I was literally walking away from thousands of dollars, not even sure if I would see a single cent of it. But it all worked out in the best possible way (well except the money part that was disappointing)- and my ability to trust God grew because of it.

January 7 Helpless Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at

the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?

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