“I’m standing at a cross roads, wondering which way to go”
This is the opening line to a poem I wrote back in December or January I think. It was when I was trying to decide if I should give up my spot on the supply list that I was on. I knew eventually I would be off of it but it was like a security blanket for me.
I’m kind of in that spot again – but with Doris. From that original post, you can see the steps I go through to get ready in the morning. I still have the braids but I hate the braids. I hate having to make sure they are tucked up in, and don’t slip out. I hate how lumpy it feels (even if it doesn’t look lumpy). I hate how the arms of my glasses sometimes snags some hair and pulls it out of the braids. Every day I look at my braids and think Where are the scissors! Let’s chop ’em off!
Yet every day, I never get the scissors. I kept the natural hair for pilates since I could pull it all up into a bun on the top of my hair. It didn’t cover all the bald but it was ok for class. But now I don’t go to pilates anymore.
I think part of me keeps the natural hair, because then I can still tell myself that the alopecia isn’t really “that bad”. But for reals folks: If the braids go, then it’s Doris all day, every day.
But I still hold onto the natural hair, like a 2 year old and their security blanket. When I know eventually I will chop it all off. I want that day to be today, or last week.
I’m standing at a crossroads…