I have been struggling a lot lately with my decision to do pilates. I have a few theories as to why this is. Join me in an exploration of my inner (completely insane) thinking:
I started doing pilates classes at the end of April. For a few weeks it was only once a week (that was literally all this fat girl could take!), then it jumped to average 2 times a week. Two weeks ago I finally achieved the very first “3 times a week”, and even stretched it out into 4 consecutive classes! But what would have been class number 5 in a row, I was exhausted and took the night off. That was last Wednesday.
At first, I really enjoyed pilates. It was difficult but I felt good after it. Only doing it twice a week allowed me to rest from Wednesday night until Monday night since I would skip out on Friday classes. Then I was given permission to start my Friday class early so I could end early so I could change and make it to pilates on time. And then I started having adult classes on Mondays as well, but again permission to start/end early to make my pilates class.
Now, I am kind of hating going. I tried to explain it to the BFF-R last night. I had expressed my unwillingness to go to class (as I was sitting in the studio, on the mat, stretching for the class). I’ve started dreading it the day of pilates class. I don’t want to work out. Then while I’m in class, I am kind of hating it. My muscles are hating it, I’m all sweaty and gross and exhausted. Then I get home and after I have a shower and settle down in my bed to have a snack I am happy that I went to pilates class. I feel good. The next morning (like today) I feel pretty good. The muscles are kind of angry. It’s always the leg muscles that put up the most resistance. Tomorrow I will wake up with the normal muscle aches and I will be regretting it again, but then I will realize that I have no time to regret because I will have class tomorrow night again.
My instructor has 5 pieces of equipment that she likes to rotate through:
Right now I am ok doing all but the step box. I did one class with it in May and I have skipped every single one since. Thankfully on my “I didn’t sleep and I’m too exhausted to move” day last week, it was the step box. Lucked out on that one!
Now here’s the thing: Like I said, I started really enjoying it. My parents did their “parent thing” and for a few days kept asking how my exercising was going. I put a stop to that RIGHT AWAY. For some reason when someone takes interest in my exercising, I stop. I hate it. I hate when people are all “oo how is it going?”. Sure it sounds super nice to a normal person – but I think we have all established that I am anything BUT a normal person. I think the fat girl in me just hates when people are interested in my levels of activity. Now my boss has started asking all the time…..so I think that might be why it’s killing it.
Another reason I think I’m losing interest is that I now have to pay for it. It is 50% off since I work in the building, so like $35 a month which is INSANELY amazing. 3 times a week for a month for less than $40 Canadian? Yes please! But now that I have to pay, I feel like I have to go – all. the. time.
The last thing that I think has kind of pushed me off of it, is that I’m seeing results. Now, again not a normal person here, so hear me out. I didn’t start pilates to loose weight. I started it to increase my activity. Losing weight has never been a goal or a motivator to go. But now I am starting to notice that I’m looking different in the mirror. It looks like my shape is starting to get smaller, and for some reason I’m kind of freaking out about it. Even though I am fully comfortable in my body, I have always wanted a smaller one (obviously….like I could marry Shemar Moore with this body but a smaller one would totally help). Society has trained me to want a smaller one. But then what happens? If I get a smaller body, will society’s predictions comes true? Will I find love and get married and have children and live happily ever after? Since apparently in the body I have now that isn’t an option? Do you see the insanity that my mind has spiraled into? I literally can not explain in words what I am thinking right now. So if you are following this, or understanding what I am trying to say, let me know. I kind of feel like a traitor sometimes to my fat girl self – letting the wanna-be skinny girl deep down inside get a little satisfaction? I literally have no idea what I am talking about anymore.
So I’m stuck with a choice: Do I keep going to pilates and feeling like this 2-3 times a week:
Or do I stop something that I only enjoy for a few hours after the fact and promise myself that I will pick up a routine at home, knowing full well that I will probably do it for like 2 days and then just stop?
If I stop, I have to see the instructor and other class members regularly around work, and that’s awkward…my boss will probably bug me about it, that’s awkward, and I miss out on the bonding through pain with my co-worker (now that is totally a good thing lol I like how we share each other’s pain. Although she is a total tank, destroying every exercise routine).
In all honesty, I will probably just continue to do it and be happy for those few hours, and feel frustrated when I can’t do the exercises properly (can anyone else roll onto their back, then do a sit-up and transition into standing WITHOUT using your hands, while your legs are tied together with a resistance band?… Koreans can!) Just to avoid the awkward conversations….I really dislike confrontation…