Death-ilates: The Struggle

I have been struggling a lot lately with my decision to do pilates. I have a few theories as to why this is. Join me in an exploration of my inner (completely insane) thinking:Β 

I started doing pilates classes at the end of April. For a few weeks it was only once a week (that was literally all this fat girl could take!), then it jumped to average 2 times a week. Two weeks ago I finally achieved the very first “3 times a week”, and even stretched it out into 4 consecutive classes! But what would have been class number 5 in a row, I was exhausted and took the night off. That was last Wednesday.

This is me whenever I leave class – hoping for the strength to walk home

At first, I really enjoyed pilates. It was difficult but I felt good after it. Only doing it twice a week allowed me to rest from Wednesday night until Monday night since I would skip out on Friday classes. Then I was given permission to start my Friday class early so I could end early so I could change and make it to pilates on time. And then I started having adult classes on Mondays as well, but again permission to start/end early to make my pilates class.

Now, I am kind of hating going. I tried to explain it to the BFF-R last night. I had expressed my unwillingness to go to class (as I was sitting in the studio, on the mat, stretching for the class). I’ve started dreading it the day of pilates class. I don’t want to work out. Then while I’m in class, I am kind of hating it. My muscles are hating it, I’m all sweaty and gross and exhausted. Then I get home and after I have a shower and settle down in my bed to have a snack I am happy that I went to pilates class. I feel good. The next morning (like today) I feel pretty good. The muscles are kind of angry. It’s always the leg muscles that put up the most resistance. Tomorrow I will wake up with the normal muscle aches and I will be regretting it again, but then I will realize that I have no time to regret because I will have class tomorrow night again.

My instructor has 5 pieces of equipment that she likes to rotate through:





exercise ball (I can actually do this pose!)


resistance ring


resistance band

Satan’s torture device: aka the step box

Right now I am ok doing all but the step box. I did one class with it in May and I have skipped every single one since. Thankfully on my “I didn’t sleep and I’m too exhausted to move” day last week, it was the step box. Lucked out on that one!

Now here’s the thing: Like I said, I started really enjoying it. My parents did their “parent thing” and for a few days kept asking how my exercising was going. I put a stop to that RIGHT AWAY. For some reason when someone takes interest in my exercising, I stop. I hate it. I hate when people are all “oo how is it going?”. Sure it sounds super nice to a normal person – but I think we have all established that I am anything BUT a normal person. I think the fat girl in me just hates when people are interested in my levels of activity. Now my boss has started asking all the time… I think that might be why it’s killing it.

Another reason I think I’m losing interest is that I now have to pay for it. It is 50% off since I work in the building, so like $35 a month which is INSANELY amazing. 3 times a week for a month for less than $40 Canadian? Yes please! But now that I have to pay, I feel like I have to go – all. the. time.

The last thing that I think has kind of pushed me off of it, is that I’m seeing results. Now, again not a normal person here, so hear me out. I didn’t start pilates to loose weight. I started it to increase my activity. Losing weight has never been a goal or a motivator to go. But now I am starting to notice that I’m looking different in the mirror. It looks like my shape is starting to get smaller, and for some reason I’m kind of freaking out about it. Even though I am fully comfortable in my body, I have always wanted a smaller one (obviously….like I could marry Shemar Moore with this body but a smaller one would totally help). Society has trained me to want a smaller one. But then what happens? If I get a smaller body, will society’s predictions comes true? Will I find love and get married and have children and live happily ever after? Since apparently in the body I have now that isn’t an option? Do you see the insanity that my mind has spiraled into? I literally can not explain in words what I am thinking right now. So if you are following this, or understanding what I am trying to say, let me know. I kind of feel like a traitor sometimes to my fat girl self – letting the wanna-be skinny girl deep down inside get a little satisfaction? I literally have no idea what I am talking about anymore.

So I’m stuck with a choice: Do I keep going to pilates and feeling like this 2-3 times a week:

Or do I stop something that I only enjoy for a few hours after the fact and promise myself that I will pick up a routine at home, knowing full well that I will probably do it for like 2 days and then just stop?

If I stop, I have to see the instructor and other class members regularly around work, and that’s awkward…my boss will probably bug me about it, that’s awkward, and I miss out on the bonding through pain with my co-worker (now that is totally a good thing lol I like how we share each other’s pain. Although she is a total tank, destroying every exercise routine).

In all honesty, I will probably just continue to do it and be happy for those few hours, and feel frustrated when I can’t do the exercises properly (can anyone else roll onto their back, then do a sit-up and transition into standing WITHOUT using your hands, while your legs are tied together with a resistance band?… Koreans can!) Β Just to avoid the awkward conversations….I really dislike confrontation…

19 thoughts on “Death-ilates: The Struggle

  1. I don’t have any wise words… but I did understand everything you wrote. I would say… if you are motivated enough to go to the classes, go. Oh, and I feel your pain — I really truly hate when I’ve started anything new and people keep asking how it’s going. It feels like an interrogation… and if whatever it is isn’t going well or I’ve stopped, I feel like crap! Oh, I hate that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not too keen on being asked how my training is going either, so I get that. And I get those exact same feelings, kind of resentful, and then I don’t want to do it anymore. So, I feel your pain and totally understand, πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Maybe you’re just going through a rough patch? I don’t know. I believe in doing activity that we enjoy so we keep doing it. I had to stop running because I hurt my side and knee. I’m looking into water aerobics. Less impact on my joints.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh man I did water aerobics for a summer – it was great fun! It could just be a rough patch πŸ™‚ I’m hoping that it will pass, or the time at home not doing it will push my mind one way or the other


  4. My first comment here I think and you write about so many things that bother me too that it’s always a pleasure to come here, I feel like I’m not as alone as I’d think 😊
    About today’s question: rambling or not, I can feel your pain. I got the impression that it’s probably a case of over-doing it a little paired with a little fever of “I pay for it, everybody knows it so it’s compulsory now, not just fun like it used to be”. I’d say try sticking to a comfy schedule for a wee while at least until the end of the month. It’s paid anyway, isn’t it πŸ˜‰ we hit a plateau in everything after a while, we just need to power through it until it’s back to a little ascent again. Good luck! πŸ’š

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for stopping by and for the compliment πŸ™‚ im glad that people can connect with me here! You said it perfectly that i kind of feel like its compulsory now which just sucks the fun out. I can only go to 2 classes not 3 this week since Friday i will need to be packing for my vacation,but i think the break will be good for me and my muscles lol put things back into perspective. Thanks again for reading!! More good things to come i think πŸ™‚


  5. I’m a Pilates Instructor and I get you 100% ! I was always a liittle chubby especially around the belly area and I catch myself freaking out that If I ever lose this “chubbiness” (don’t know if it’s a word πŸ˜› ) I won’t be me anymore! I will lose my identity. I have had my rough times too, loved teaching but hated doing it ,, I was just too exhausted to practice myself.
    Just a wee bit of advice! More than 3 times a week is too much in my opinion you don’t have to put your body through that. If you like just take a few walks the other days or jog or whatever you might enjoy πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m thinking of dropping down to two days a week right now. I took two weeks off because of vacation, and have only went once a week since I got back. I went tonight, but it just made me feel so sick. It’s hard to not go since my instructor wants to be my friend, even though she can’t speak English lol

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s enough if you ask me! I was doing 4 times a week when I was doing my professional training and sometimes I just felt I was dying! Bonding idea ! I go for beers with my fitness instructors try that! They forget all about class :p (yes some Pilates instructors drink beer heh)

        Liked by 1 person

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