Today a memory popped into my head. I’m not sure exactly what caused it to be there, it kind of just showed up with no real connection to anything that was happening at the time.
So we’re going to be practical about this?
That’s really all it was. Just a sentence from a conversation that happened over a year ago. But it kind of stuck with me.
At the time, I was on a few online dating websites. I had connected with a few really nice guys through my profiles (never in person) but as soon as I passed on my picture they all magically disappeared. I’ve almost always had that affect on men. Part of it I really like, online I can charm them where in real life I can’t. Like I said in a previous post my sassiness is on the verge of flirtation, and I can walk that line very well.
One day I was looking through some profiles and a picture caught my eye. I looked at the profile, and he was 10 years older than me, no big deal, I generally go for older men, and I am one of those people that age doesn’t really seem to bother me too much (a little more if they are younger than me), I focus more on the person’s maturity and how well we mesh.
I liked this guy’s profile and was thinking about sending him a message but then I noticed 2 things: first he lived about an hour and 45 minutes away. Since this was in the winter, it was kind of a no for me. Country roads in the snow belt of Southwestern Ontario SUCK in the winter, and no main highway connected us. Second, he had 2 sons. I’m not sure how I would feel about that, but decided that it was probably best to just pass him by.
A day later he messaged me. He saw that I had viewed his profile and then he liked mine enough to message me. I’m really glad he did actually, since it started a 2 month thing between us. I’ve never met anyone in person from an online dating site, and have only felt comfortable enough to consider it with two guys, and he was definitely one of them. We quickly moved from the online forum to texting. He worked full time, had full custody of his kids and all that entails, but always made time for us to chat each day. We meshed really well.
Then he dropped a little bit of a bomb. On my profiles I always state that I’m “not 420 friendly”. Which means, drugs are a deal breaker. I don’t do them, never have and never will. I can be your friend if you do them, but I can’t be involved in a relationship with you (especially since I was supply teaching at the time. I could get fired). Well he says that he sometimes does pot just to relax. Not often, and only when he’s “off duty” in terms of his dad duties. He didn’t say anything before because he didn’t want it to be the only thing I judged him on right away. He wanted to get to know me first, to see what I was like before telling me. And that, if we decided to get serious, he’d drop it (like he had for previous relationships).
Then we had the sex talk. I also state that I’m a Christian and I live a Christian lifestyle. That’s all I say but he brought it up. He says he is used to having physical relationships and to go without would be difficult, but again if we decided to make a go of it, he’d be ok with that. I’ve heard that line in many different variations and knew he was being honest about it. Some guys you can tell right away that it’s all just a line (or that guy who knew me for 24 hours and told me “I’m not a cheating type, but I shouldn’t have to beg”…)
Even after all that, I was still interested. I sent a picture when he asked for one, and then every night he’d say “good night beautiful” when going to bed. It was nice. We talked about almost everything. Even future kids: I didn’t know if I wanted any or if I’d be ok with just his two, he wasn’t looking for any more but for the right person he could be convinced to have another if she really needed it in her life.
After two months of texting, and failing to make plans to meet because of our schedules, it kind of dawned on me: if we ever did meet, we’d probably start a relationship. If we did, he’d be the one giving up things (drugs, sex, his not wanting to have any future theoretical babies – I didn’t even know if I wanted kids but it was a possibility at least). We had tried to make plans over and over to meet but still nothing had happened.
So I had to be practical. I laid it all out, how life kept getting in the way of our plans and how I wouldn’t want to be that person to make him give up things in his life that he enjoyed. And he said that yes it was hard but once a relationship started it could be better, and that for the right person (he didn’t say I was that person) it wouldn’t matter what he had to change in his life.
I took a few minutes to ponder that. We were at a crossroads. A choice needed to be made but before I could respond:
So we’re going to be practical about this?
I think it would be for the best?
It might have worked.
I wouldn’t want you resenting me.
And that was it. We decided to be practical. I kept him in my phone as Andrew </3 in my contact list (not his real name obviously haha) until I moved away. Something inside of me was kind of hoping I would stop being practical but I never did. Sometimes I think I build myself up to always be that girl who makes guys disappear and when one comes around that doesn’t, I just close myself off to it.
Don’t know why all of this surfaced tonight but there it is.