War of Words

I have a little daily planner that I bought in September. It has two separate parts to it, one section has monthly calendars for each month up until December 2016. Then the next part, the pages are 1 week at a time with larger spots to write in detail. I use the monthly section to plot out blogging topics. I had a topic for today, but I can’t write about it. 

I had a topic, a nice simple topic for a 300 Thursday post. Then I got an email from my mom yesterday, and this won’t be less than 300 words. I had sent an email telling my parents I had decided to give up my spot on the supply list. My mom replied and said “why isn’t she surprised”, but was going to bed. Get home from work and I have another email from her saying that it’s 5am and she hasn’t slept because the news of the supply list was a “kick in the teeth” and all I do is continue to hurt those who love me.

Once again I have to explain to her how I’m not running away from things and that I can’t keep having this conversation with her. She has to let it go. She holds onto anger and resentment so much. She writes saying she loves me and she’s sorry for making me move here – as if she was the reason I left. And that she doesn’t understand why I’m here, living in danger (there is no danger). And my head is swimming with past emails, saying the exact same thing. She won’t drop it, she’s making herself sick because of it but she won’t drop it. She says she’s hurt and angry and I’m throwing my life away and I’m running away and this isn’t the life for me.

I reply. Like I always do. I don’t use any exclamation points, I don’t want her to think that I’m yelling my answer via email. She yells when she’s angry – I’ve learned to keep a calm voice through her years of yelling. I don’t hear her when she yells. She doesn’t hear me when I yell. There is no point.

I type my reply with purpose, thinking the whole time how she is going to react to it. I go over the same answers I’ve been giving for three whole months now of living here, and at least a full month before moving. The exact same answers And always the line “I can’t keep having this conversation”.

This time I added something else. Something I’ve wanted to add for years – maybe she should ask the doctor to recommend someone to talk to about this – outside of her friends and our family. Her emotional state keeps unraveling. I stare at the draft not knowing if I should send it. I copied it to my brother and asked for his opinion – he’s always been the level headed one out of the two of us, I’m too much like my mom. He agrees it needs to be said. I offer myself, 13,000 kilometers is a nice buffer for what I can only image will be an apocalyptic fall out of “I can’t ever do anything right, everything is always my fault”. I take his advice and let my dad know what I’m suggesting to her. He will be the one most affected by the immediate reaction to it. I hope she takes the words for what they are – an expression of love and a desire for her mental health to improve, thus improving her physical health as well.

She says she’s lost her daughter. That cuts to the core, but I see it only as an attempt to force me back home to a life she can’t accept was destroying my happiness.She wants me home, to get married to give her grandchildren. It doesn’t matter that’s not what I want for my life – she can’t look past the fact that she doesn’t have any grandchildren. Her life isn’t what it’s suppose to be without me getting married and giving her grandchildren. As if live’s happiness revolves around her having grandchildren.

And so, the words continue. The same exchange we’ve had for months. Maybe it’s having the effect she wants because now I’m feeling guilty for my choices, and crying over this war she can’t let end. I can feel her negativity affecting me now. She loses sleep crying over me, and now I’ve lost sleep stressing over replying to her emails – even though the time was needed to make sure the words were right. Maybe she is right- maybe she is loosing her daughter.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “War of Words

  1. Hugs. Nope, she’s not losing you. She has given you wings and she needs to let you use them. That’s what growing up and experiencing new things is about. She will be okay, but she should definitely talk to someone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree that talking with someone is a good idea. Sounds like she is using emotions to drive your decisions. You’re young and figuring life out and doing things that you want to do and that is great. You’re exploring new avenues that I only wish I had the courage to do! I am inspired by your posts and I look forward to them. What you want can always change like it did me. I never wanted children but now I am counting the moments to when we will start our family. My parents weren’t happy with me but would they have rather me have a child with an abuser? They didn’t believe me but that’s a whole other story… my abuser was really really nice to everyone else. Point is do you! She will come around she is your mom and loves you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What is this supply list? I have a mother that has the mentality of a 14 yr old. I’m certainly not insinuating your mother is a 14 yr old. Hardest thing in the world to give your own mother tough love. You need to first tell her the following declaration comes from love then tell her your honesty.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love this “tell her the following declaration comes from love then tell her your honesty”. WOW! Awesome. And it’s kind of amazing you should mention her mentality. I often think she behaves like she’s still in high school. It’s not a far off comparison!

      As for the supply list: it’s a list of teachers who get called in when a regular teacher is sick or can’t be in the class for the day (or half day). Supply, substitute, occasional, all the same thing 🙂 In Ontario, they just put in this new hierarchy that forces teachers to start on the supply list, and then work their way up. Which was good for me because I found out how much my soul would die if I got a full time position. But for teachers who actually want to teach, if everything goes quickly and smoothly, its about a 7-8 year process to get a full time permanent contract.

      Like

Throw Some Glitter on Me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s