I’m trying to be genuine with my prompt jar lately. Before I would stick my hand in, pull a prompt out, put it back, try another one etc. Well today, I grabbed a prompt as I was walking out the door. In the elevator I opened it and was shocked by “the guilt that haunts me”. Thanks to the Daily Post for putting it on their site a while ago. I guess it’s fitting since over the last few days I have been surrounded by guilt. Hopefully I can get through my emotions without bursting into tears in the coffee shop….
I can’t really say that I have a lot of guilt in my life. I’m relatively young and thankfully haven’t really had a lot of big choices to make that would give me that guilt. But lately I have been feeling so very guilty over moving.
My parents were against this move. The firs time I came to Korea, my mom was the worst. She was just concerned for my safety so I really understand it. And last time it was for a year. This time, they both know that it could turn into a more serious thing. The two months leading up to my departure date, my mom laid on the guilt SO BAD. And I can understand it once again – she doesn’t want to loose me. But her acting like that just pushed me further away from her. We aren’t really that close, but I still love her and want her to be happy in my choices.
My dad this time is a little more affected. He just doesn’t want me to be so far away. Again – that is totally understandable.
Now they email so much. I want it to be like I’m living just in a different town and have a normal amount of communication. Not this over abundance where I have to spend my entire morning emailing back and forth because they sit on their phones and the instant an email from me comes in, they have to reply. And then get upset when I don’t reply instantly as well.
When I left, since it was the last few days in November, I said I didn’t want any Christmas presents. And I was 100% serious! I didn’t want or need anything this year. If I was at home, I would have made some sort of list, probably full of clothes and books, but here I don’t need that. I just keep thinking that if in 12 months I need to pack up again, then I don’t want all that extra stuff here.
About a week before I left, my dad gives me a gift and says it’s an early Christmas gift. I wanted to hand it back and say that I didn’t want anything but he seemed really pleased with himself that he got me something. And I can’t disappoint him (and there goes not getting emotional in a coffee shop). It was a power supply box thing – you charge it and then you can plug USB powered things into it and it will charge them. I was able to charge my ipad and phone and ipod off of it for a few days, I was really impressed!!
Then my mom sends me an email about a week or so before Christmas saying she had purchased my gift but that I have to go home to get it. She didn’t “want it to get swiped” whatever that means. So there, both had purchased a gift for me so I figured that was it. Christmas day, they emailed me a video of the family opening presents. It took me a few days to be able to watch it since I’m at the mercy of Starbucks wifi. But then in the email, it said they wanted to email me money, the same amount they spend on my brother’s gifts? And I just had to refuse.
I know they just wanted to do something for me for the holiday but I wasn’t celebrating it as I normally would and I needed them to respect that. They had both got me something already so that was enough for me. I don’t care if they spend the same on me as my brother, it’s not about that for me. But again – it makes me feel guilty. I wrote an email explaining that the gifts they had already got me were enough and that it was nice to offer more but it was ok.
Now I feel like I’ve cut them off. Especially my dad. His replies are short and to the point, not his normal emails. Mom has pretty much stopped replying altogether.
I think I will probably stop here. Attempting not to cry is not really working for me. I don’t want to push them away but I need them to respect that I am doing what makes me happy. That’s all I wanted for Christmas.