Another day, another post for Writing 101. Reflecting on life choices
Lately, my life has been full of big choices. Everyday has choices of course, should I wear this shirt with these pants, but over the last two months I have been making BIG choices.
My first big choice came in September. I had quit my non-teaching related job almost a month earlier (Tim Hortons in my small town) and decided to focus on my teaching career. I had a few interviews for non-teaching jobs but still in the education field. Then, around the second week of September I had an interview in Kitchener with Rogers. It was a step away from teaching, but at that point I had made the decision to move away from education in Ontario, and in Canada. This choice was a hard one to make. I had spent thousands of dollars educating myself to be a teacher, and even more after graduation in obtaining my place in the College of Teachers and improving myself through professional development courses. I had spent time and money, emotions and my mental health on a profession that, 2 years after graduation I was loathing from my core. I made the choice to walk away. That was hard for me. I loved (still love) teaching! Yet the system here was destroying everything within me.
So I had my interview with Rogers. A close friend works there, I wanted to move back to Kitchener to be closer my life long friends, my old church community, and just familiar surroundings. My interview went great, I spent the rest of the day visiting shops and friends. On the drive home, I was about 45 minutes into my hour and half drive, on some back country road, in the dark, and I just started crying in my car. As I drove along, it became very clear to me that working at Rogers was not the best choice for me. I knew in that moment that I had to go back to Korea and try it again. I knew that I had health problems the first time, and the fear of that returning has kept me on Canadian soil for the last 2 years. I knew that my parents would be upset, my mom taking it as “running away from” her and life, my friends disappointed that I would be once again a 26 hour flights/layovers away, but it was what I had to do.
In that moment, it was like there was no choice left. I had been praying and soul searching for answers for so long, yet avoided what came to me with excuse after excuse. This has been a common theme over the last month in my blog, and I’m sure it will resurface a few more times before I am settled in my new life. Once I made the choice to leave, everything fell into place. My overall mental health and daily mood has improved, I find that my heart is at peace. I know that it is a good choice for me. And over the next three weeks, I have to make sure I am making the choice not to engage my mom in her passive-aggressive attempts to make me stay – this I find will be the hardest reoccurring choice I will ever have to make. I know it comes from a place of love on her side, not wanting me to be so far away and in a place where she is convinced I will be in harm’s way. Yet from the place of love in her heart, out her lips and to my ears, it turns into a guilt and disapproval – both making it harder to choose not to reply.