Why didn’t Jane Austen write my life?

One of the best authors of all time, in my humble opinion, is Jane Austen. She writes the most wonderful novels, transporting people back to a time of etiquette and pose, dowries, gentlemen and ladies. Tea parties, balls, tea, and more tea! How wonderful would it be to have lived back then. 

My favourite book of Austen’s is Mansfield Park. Here a poor girl turns out to be a local beauty and marries the man of her dreams. Most of the books follow the same guidelines: we meet the heroine, we follow her through some trials (usually around falling in love), love is revealed to her and in the end everyone is happy.

This sounds like a great life! Minus the being forced to conform to a man’s world and being told what to do and how to do it and not be able to step out of the shell that was civilized life……so maybe it wasn’t all that great for the women involved.

But Jane, listen up sister! I need you to work your magic and write me into one of your story lines. I don’t need to be the front runner in the story. A second tiered character is just fine with me! Someone along the lines of Charlotte Lucas. She comes from a respectable family, and gets married to a respectable man. He’s not super rich, but he has a job and is devoted to her happiness and provides for her. DONE DEAL! Of course, I’d want him to be more like Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightly….a Colonel Brandon perhaps.

Have you ever watched the adaptations of the books? We can all assume that I’ve seen almost all of them out there. Definitely the best I have ever seen was the Colin Firth version of Pride and Prejudice. Usually the British versions are much better than the American. If you place the Kate Beckinsale “Emma” against the Gwenyth Paltrow one there is no contest. Emma Thompson and Kate Winslet shine in Sense and Sensibility. I honestly would take the British version over the American every time.

Don’t even get me started on the Keira Knightly version of Pride and Prejudice! OH THE HORRORS. Like seriously. Come on. Although I think I am biased against anything with her in it. Quite frankly I can’t stand her acting in anything outside of the first two “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies. And even that is pushing it.

So: bottom line! In a zombie apocalypse, someone PLEASE find Jane Austen’s risen corpse and tell her to write a story about me. And for the love of all that is good in this world, if she turns me into a shrieking mess like Mrs Bennett or a run-away spoiled Lydia Bennett, heads are going to roll people! Heads are going to roll!

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